What Happened Then

Father, Forgive Me

2012-01-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me, the ungrateful, Lord as I find myself whining to You today. Forgive me that I whine that the temperature has dropped after months of unseasonal warmth and mere days since I sat on the beach in Cuba. Thank you that I have warm cloths to protect me from the cold as I drive my warm vehicle, full of gasoline to the grocery store, that you have provided me with the means to fill my cupboards with food in a warm house with abundant space and more provisions than I will ever even use. I am the most blessed, Father and I whine in such pettiness. Please forgive me, the ungrateful, Lord.

The Saint Must Walk Alone

2011-12-11T01:42:00.001-07:00

Loneliness didn't come knocking on my door tonight. No, it forced it's way in and attacked with great heaviness. This is far from my first blog entry on such a subject and I do not pretend to think it will be my last.

It was a rather heart-wrenching evening crying out to God, knowing He is here, crying along side me. I have no idea whatsoever how those without faith navigate grief, loneliness or sorrow! The verse placed on my heart a few months before this season of loss became a mantra echoing through me:

Though my heart and flesh my fail, God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. (Ps. 73:26)

I know I do not have the strength on my own to walk this journey. Without Christ in the lead I am lost. I can understand that the promises of a hard life would be a deterrent to a society dead set against any sort of pain. The Bible does promise:

Anyone who wants to live all out for Christ is in for a lot of trouble; there's no getting around it. ~ 2 Tim. 3:12 (Msg)

Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. ~ Matt. 16:24-25 (Msg)

Fortunately it does also promise that God will be with us through it:

Be strong and courageous; don't be terrified or afraid of them. For it is the LORD your God who goes with you; He will not leave you or forsake you." ~ Deut. 31:6 (HCSB)

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ Joshua 1:9 (NLT)

I know that being willing to take on a life that can mean loneliness and hardship may seem in the least mildly crazy and at the most masochistic. Who would sign on for such a life? But for those whom Christ has placed the call so deeply inside of them to chase Him with what may seem reckless abandon there is no other choice. Is it possible to feel the breathe of the Living God on the back of your neck, to hear Him whisper your name and call you into action and choose any other life but that which He calls you to? To utter the prayer, “Oh, God, break my heart for what breaks yours.” is a terrifying thing, for He will. It means a painful life, yes, but a life richer than you can ever imagine. It means seeing what you may have been able to be blind to before – the pain, the injustice, the need but also the beauty, the wonder, the miracles He has to offer.

Though the loneliness of this evening still lingers around me, the intensity of it has lessened. I find comfort in the both in the reminder that I was promised a hard road and even more so in the promise that my God will walk it with me. Tonight A W Tozer’s The Saint Must Walk Alone brings me peace as I remember that I do not walk in vain through times of sorrow and loneliness.

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. And do everything with love. ~ 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NLT)

The Saint Must Walk Alone ~ A W Tozer 

Most of the world's great souls have been lonely. Loneliness seems to be one price the saint must pay for his saintliness.

In the morning of the world (or should we say, in that strange darkness that came soon after the dawn of man's creation), that pious soul, Enoch, walked with God and was not, for God took him; and while it is not stated in so many words, a fair inference is that Enoch walked a path quite apart from his contemporaries.

Another lonely man was Noah who, of all the antediluvians, found grace in the sight of God; and every shred of evidence points to the aloneness of his life even while surrounded by his people.

Again, Abraham had Sarah and Lot, as well as many servants and herdsmen, but who can read his story and the apostolic comment upon it without sensing instantly that he was a man "whose soul was alike a star and dwelt apart"? As far as we know not one word did God ever speak to him in the company of men. Face down he communed with his God, and the innate dignity of the man forbade that he assume this posture in the presence of others. How sweet and solemn was the scene that night of the sacrifice when he saw the lamps of fire moving between the pieces of offering. There, alone with a horror of great darkness upon him, he heard the voice of God and knew that he was a man marked for divine favor.

Moses also was a man apart. While yet attached to the court of Pharaoh he took long walks alone, and during one of these walks while far removed from the crowds he saw an Egyptian and a Hebrew fighting and came to the rescue of his countryman. After the resultant break with Egypt he dwelt in almost complete seclusion in the desert. There, while he watched his sheep alone, the wonder of the burning bush appeared to him, and later on the peak of Sinai he crouched alone to gaze in fascinated awe at the Presence, partly hidden, partly disclosed, within the cloud and fire. The prophets of pre-Christian times differed widely from each other, but one mark they bore in common was their enforced loneliness. They loved their people and gloried in the religion of the fathers, but their loyalty to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and their zeal for the welfare of the nation of Israel drove them away from the crowd and into long periods of heaviness. "I am become a stranger unto my brethren, and an alien unto my mother's children," cried one and unwittingly spoke for all the rest.

Most revealing of all is the sight of that One of whom Moses and all the prophets did write, treading His lonely way to the cross. His deep loneliness was unrelieved by the presence of the multitudes.

He died alone in the darkness hidden from the sight of mortal man and no one saw Him when He arose triumphant and walked out of the tomb, though many saw Him afterward and bore witness to what they saw. There are some things too sacred for any eye but God's to look upon. The curiosity, the clamor, the well-meant but blundering effort to help can only hinder the waiting soul and make unlikely if not impossible the communication of the secret message of God to the worshiping heart.

Sometimes we react by a kind of religious reflex and repeat dutifully the proper words and phrases even though they fail to express our real feelings and lack the authenticity of personal experience. Right now is such a time. A certain conventional loyalty may lead some who hear this unfamiliar truth expressed for the first time to say brightly, "Oh, I am never lonely. Christ said, `I will never leave you nor forsake you,' and `Lo, I am with you always.' How can I be lonely when Jesus is with me?"

Now I do not want to reflect on the sincerity of any Christian soul, but this stock testimony is too neat to be real. It is obviously what the speaker thinks should be true rather than what he has proved to be true by the test of experience. This cheerful denial of loneliness proves only that the speaker has never walked with God without the support and encouragement afforded him by society. The sense of companionship which he mistakenly attributes to the presence of Christ may and probably does arise from the presence of friendly people. Always remember: you cannot carry a cross in company. Though a man were surrounded by a vast crowd, his cross is his alone and his carrying of it marks him as a man apart. Society has turned against him; otherwise he would have no cross. No one is a friend to the man with a cross. "They all forsook Him, and fled."

The pain of loneliness arises from the constitution of our nature. God made us for each other. The desire for human companionship is completely natural and right. The loneliness of the Christian results from his walk with God in an ungodly world, a walk that must often take him away from the fellowship of good Christians as well as from that of the unregenerate world. His God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of his kind, others who can understand his longings, his aspirations, his absorption in the love of Christ; and because within his circle of friends there are so few who share inner experiences, he is forced to walk alone. The unsatisfied longings of the prophets for human understanding caused them to cry out in their complaint, and even our Lord Himself suffered in the same way.

The man who has passed on into the divine Presence in actual inner experience will not find many who understand him. A certain amount of social fellowship will of course be his as he mingles with religious persons in the regular activities of the church, but true spiritual fellowship will be hard to find. But he should not expect things to be otherwise. After all he is a stranger and a pilgrim, and the journey he takes is not on his feet but in his heart. He walks with God in the garden of his own soul - and who but God can walk there with him? He is of another spirit from the multitudes that tread the courts of the Lord's house. He has seen that of which they have only heard, and he walks among them somewhat as Zacharias walked after his return from the altar when the people whispered, "He has seen a vision."  

The truly spiritual man is indeed something of an oddity. He lives not for himself but to promote the interests of Another. He seeks to persuade people to give all to his Lord and asks no portion or share for himself. He delights not to be honored but to see his Savior glorified in the eyes of men. His joy is to see his Lord promoted and himself neglected. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent and preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious shoptalk. For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over-serious, so he is avoided and the gulf between him and society widens. He searches for friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory palaces, and finding few or none, he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart.

It is this very loneliness that throws him back upon God. "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else. He learns in inner solitude what he could not have learned in the crowd - that Christ is All in All, that He is made unto us wisdom, righteousness, sanctification and redemption, that in Him we have and possess life's summum bonum.

Two things remain to be said. One, that the lonely man of whom we speak is not a haughty man, nor is he the holier-than-thou, austere saint so bitterly satirized in popular literature. He is likely to feel that he is the least of all men and is sure to blame himself for his very loneliness. He wants to share his feelings with others and to open his heart to some like-minded soul who will understand him, but the spiritual climate around him does not encourage it, so he remains silent and tells his griefs to God alone.

The second thing is that the lonely saint is not the withdrawn man who hardens himself against human suffering and spends his days contemplating the heavens. Just the opposite is true. His loneliness makes him sympathetic to the approach of the brokenhearted and the fallen and the sin-bruised. Because he is detached from the world, he is all the more able to help it. Meister Eckhart taught his followers that if they should find themselves in prayer and happen to remember that a poor widow needed food, they should break off the prayer instantly and go care for the widow. "God will not suffer you to lose anything by it," he told them. "You can take up again in prayer where you left off and the Lord will make it up to you." This is typical of the great mystics and masters of the interior life from Paul to the present day.   

The weakness of so many modern Christians is that they feel too much at home in the world. In their effort to achieve restful "adjustment" to unregenerate society they have lost their pilgrim character and become an essential part of the very moral order against which they are sent to protest. The world recognizes them and accepts them for what they are. And this is the saddest thing that can be said about them. They are not lonely, but neither are they saints.

Dear Rob

2011-10-31T00:58:00.001-06:00

Rob,

I remember the first time you came out to the camp for your ‘interview’. You were so excited – you reminded me of a little boy looking in the window of a pet store. From the first time you interacted with us your authentic spirit was evident. There was a humility about you that welcomed people to you in an unassuming and caring way. As we were on the doorstep of having a new leader take over the camp we were, naturally, attempting to discern the type of leader you may potentially be. We had been slipped some of the information about your background and it seemed the impossible list of characteristics the board had laid out would be achieved, should you be hired and yet the humility and compassion you faced us with made the possibility seem too good to be true. I knew from the first moment you were meant to be here.

You returned to us the middle of the second last week of summer. I loved that you sought all of us out right off the bat. I was supervising Desert Island with the Sojourn crew and you joined me on the lawn. You came to me in compassion and concern as you had learned that you would be moving into my house, leaving me looking for a new roof to put over my head. I meant it when I said I wasn’t bitter; that I knew God had a plan in it and when I saw how you interacted with the community and guests of the camp, both in the summer and the time afterwards, I was even more sure that you were supposed to be there on site.

It was obvious that you had genuine love for those you interacted with. You were always willing to set aside what you were doing to focus on the people or person you were with like they were the only one in the world at the moment and there was no place else you’d rather be. I experienced it myself and saw it when you were interacting with staff, CLTDs and campers alike. The experience of being in your presence left people feeling more confident, loved and inspired for the love you faced them with. Jesus, I am sure, welcomed you home with, “Well done good, and faithful servant. You were my heart to all you met.”

I wonder if teens camp was so very inspired in part because you were present? You lived as if you had one foot in heaven and it shone through you! I remember one day in particular we were in worship and the Spirit was moving in intense ways. I couldn’t even sing, I felt so moved just to stand and pray over the room and the people present. As I stood there, arms raised, praying with everything I had, I felt hands grasp my shoulders and I knew I was being held up and supported in my prayers. When the music had stopped and I closed my prayers I turned around and you wrapped you arms around me and told me you loved me. In most situations after knowing someone such a short amount of time this would seem odd, but I knew you meant it. I knew you could see the me of me and that it was celebrated by you. You never passed by an opportunity to encourage people. It was written in every email you send and every message you left.

Your willingness to dive into all aspects of this community really meant the world to us all. A community is built on the shared stories, traditions and experiences. Around here it means laughing together, crying together and being ridiculous together. You did it all! You cherished the stories of God moments as well as the ones of humor and silliness. Being willing to join in on such silliness as the possum party and leg waxing braided you in with us.

As you came into leadership you did so gently, desiring to know both the people and the heart of the camp in order to walk with us and not to take it over. You were not afraid to make necessary changes but did so after you understood the situations, reasons and emotions behind it. It was terribly honoring. Your vision for the camp and your excitement for what we were doing and what we could become were contagious and there was more passion in this place than we have seen in a long time. I know it will continue. You left a legacy, that’s for sure!

In the days following summer I was struggling to get my feet about me and it was hard to be out at the camp after moving. You were always willing to listen and cry with me. As I was saying at the staff gathering on Thanksgiving, you were the type of person people couldn’t not tell their secrets to. I was free to share with you the pull between what I knew was truth and what I was feeling and walking through and you’d listen without telling me I was crazy. You listened to me as I laid out a ridiculous situation I was navigating that I, myself, would label as foolish had it not been me walking it! You supported me and prayed with me through it and continued to ask about it whenever we sat to connect. You offered me a place to come and set down my pack. I didn’t have to impress you, you simply asked me to come as I was, in whatever brokenness or struggle I was in. When I confessed the depth of my struggle you genuinely cared and had concern for me and not what it might mean to my ability to achieve results. I have always been a rather stubborn, independent person who tends to walk through struggles alone. You could see through that and wouldn’t let me continue without support. It meant everything to me when you said you were going to were going to hold me accountable to really caring for myself; that I had to because I had worth at the camp – and to you completely outside of the CLTD program or anything else I might take on. Though that is one of those things people are just expected to know, I really needed to hear it and I hold it close as I continue to navigate rough waters. You could see people’s hearts through whatever the momentary problem might be and would respond to that, rather than simply attempting to fix the surface issue. That is a rare thing!

How is the camp different because you joined us for the time you did? We have more hope and passion for where we can go and how we can get there. You motivated the staff team in their personal journeys to ‘get out of the boat’ and to live their lives today and now for Christ. Their excitement to chase after their calling was renewed from hearing you speak just that one time. You honored the entire team by how you interacted with us and how you were willing to join in on the silliness, showing us all how encouraging a leader could be.

I think the biggest thing you did, though, was inspire us. You inspired us to love each other deeper, to see people as Christ would. You inspired us to see the possibilities that are out there and the things that God could do through us and with us. You were excited and wanted to do the work that would be needed to achieve that greatness.

I know you were not perfect and while we celebrate all that you were to us, I know that there were areas that you struggled with as well. We weren’t together long enough to see many of your faults and the ones we have pale in comparison to all that you did so well.

How am I different? I am so honored to have had just a little time with you. Your style of leadership is commendable and I hope that I can lead with the compassion, love and genuine excitement that you modeled. Your encouragement stretched further than you’ll ever know and while I was a confident person when I met you, to be honored and embraced as I was through my both my successes and more so, my struggles built that confidence even stronger. To be around you was to be inspired and encouraged and that I was. And, though you are not here to check up on me, I will work to take care of myself and trust that you would be calling me on it if I don’t.

How are things going to change now that you’ve left us? Well, we all are aware that you left behind might shoes to fill. We are aware what we want in a leader and though we are looking for someone that matches all you brought the best we can, we have to respect the leader God brings us for whom he or she is and not who they aren’t. We need to take the passion and excitement you fanned the flames of and allow it to burn and spread to others. We will move forward knowing that you are still encouraging us to chase after God’s path, to dream big and be willing to see outside the box as to how to achieve what we feel called to.

It is so honoring to hear just how much being here at camp meant to you. Your family has told us that you were happier than you had been in a long time. We are so very honored that we were the ones who got to share your last days with you. I have no idea what we did to deserve that but I promise, we are better people for having known you, however brief!

When I watched the video of your memorial, I was moved to tears when the speaker shared the story of your dog tag. I had it made for you and had the privilege of ‘tagging’ you at your initiation. I heard you disappeared into your office right afterwards to call home and share your joy with your family who hadn’t accompanied you out, telling them about the dog tag and that you were never going to take it off. While there was consideration of leaving it with you, I feel it is the right place – with your family whom we always considered members of ours.

Today was your ‘mini memorial’ out at the camp. We wanted to come together within the community you were so excited to be a part of and share stories you would have celebrated with us. We were so happy to have your sisters there with us! I know I have used the word many times but I was truly honored to speak today. I know your strong hands were again on my shoulders and I know you would have been there, smiling at me encouraging me on through it.

Thank you, Rob, for everything. Thank you for the passion. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for sharing the tears. Thank you most of all for the love for through it you allowed Christ to shine. We will never forget you, Horton!

Your honored friend,

Shelley

2011-10-26T20:44:00.001-06:00

December 12, 2010

I am either a fool or a skeptic but I am not sure which.

January 17, 2011

This battle inside is driving me nuts! For the most part hope was winning today but skepticism seems to be having the final say for the day.

Did you mean for this to be so torturous, Father, or did we do it to ourselves?

The Hypocrisy Of Christian Teachers, Preachers And Leaders

2011-06-17T07:55:00.002-06:00

It is easy to understand why Christian teachers, preachers and leaders are often called hypocrites. We dare to teach the characteristics of Christ, knowing we will not always exemplify them. We seek to share His message of love aware that selfishness can still become our guide in weaker moments. We long to lead others to the path of Salvation but are forever unable to provide it ourselves.

There is a paradox of ego to contend with. We need confidence that Christ called us to teach and lead yet be free of prideful ego. We need to bow humbly before Christ but stand before the assembled. We need to believe we can deliver a message that may be hard to swallow, all the while knowing it is not our strength that will get us there. Though we need to prepare for the teaching we must allow the Spirit the freedom to deliver it and while an element of performance may be required at times to hold attention, everything must be saturated in truth and honesty or it is meaningless.

It takes courage to admit weakness. In a sense, the only way we can be worthy to share such a message is to admit that we are not worthy of it at all. The only way to not be a hypocrite is to admit that, in this sense, we are. We dare to teach about something we fail at for the glory of God.

How do we not question our ability to do this? How do we not feel like frauds in those moments when even the smallest doubt comes knocking on the doors of our hearts?

As leaders it is terrifying to be aware that personal faltering can affect another’s faith. We have all heard stories of churches being mortally wounded, of believers abandoning hope of a loving Savior upon news of a leader’s moral transgressions. When the messenger is mistaken for the message faith can be easily lost.

We teachers, preachers and leaders cannot provide the salvation, but we can help find the One who can. We are far from perfect and though Christ is in us, we do not always behave that way. Please do not let that deter you who are seeking because any who claim otherwise will only disappoint you.

June 6, 2007

2011-06-13T19:46:00.000-06:00

Yes, change needs to take place and I am waiting for the opportunity to present itself. I am waiting for it to show up, introduce itself and all I have to do is bath in the splendor of it! I want it to be easy.

But I know it won't be. I expect nothing to be. In fact, I anticipate the opposite.

May 20, 2007

2011-06-13T19:43:00.002-06:00

And so, Shelley, what is your life meant to be about? What are you about? Get ready for the journey.

2011-04-30T10:10:00.002-06:00

In April of 2006 my church dedicated a week to 24/7 prayer. As the week came to an end the church bulletin published a prayer I anonymously entered into the blog as I took on a 4am prayer time. (I was surprised to get to church and have some who know me better know instantly it was me who wrote it!) Here is some of my prayer:

My King, my Lord, my Papa. As I sit here now, tonight, as it is dark and rainy outside I try to remember how much darker it was before I knew you. I always knew you were there, even before I had been told about you – remember how I used to cry in my hidden closet when the darkness became too much to bear as a small child?

Faith is not the easy way. How many times in our pain have we, as Christians been tempted to turn our backs? It is such a human thing to do. When we perceive your better judgment as broken promises we want to turn from you. Even though I know that giving up my faith would be as easy as stopping breathing, there are days when I want to threaten to leave so that you would stop me and beg me not to go, proving I am still loved.

But for those who only see broken promises, who see you as a vengeful and vicious god, I pray Father, that you would grant us gentle hands and understanding so that we might help show the way back.

So often we seek to fix brokenness. Sometimes we just need to start with the patience of Job’s friends who sat in silence with him for days. How often do we just need a place to come to lay our hearts down and know that we are loved enough to just have silent support? How often does emotion overtake any words until there is just silent brokenness? Sometimes we need to simply sit silently at the foot of the cross with those who are broken and those who are lost…

It would be easier...

2011-04-20T01:18:00.000-06:00

At the end of the day it would be easier not to care. It would be easier to have a “sensible” nine-to-five job that gets left behind while you head home. It would be easier to focus on making money, buying a house and creating a sense of security. That’s a goal that is achievable. It would be easier…

It isn’t an easy life. It’s not black and white. It’s messy and it can hurt like hell. But tell me: how do you see a hurting life, have a chance to make a difference and instead let go because it’s hard?

I will tell you I have the best job in the world. And I will mean it. I will mean it even when I am banging my heart up against a wall. I will mean it when the person I am trying to reach is spitting in my face. I will mean it at the end of the day when my mind won’t stop trying to figure out how to help someone who pretends they don’t want it. I will mean it because there is no way I could face myself at the end of the day knowing I might be able to make a difference in a life and I chose instead to care for no one but myself.

It isn’t easy but I didn’t sign on for easy. It hurts but I didn’t sign on for comfort. I could have chosen to follow theatre, photography, retail management. But I didn’t. We get one chance at life. One opportunity. We get to choose how we are going to spend a lifetime. It is easy enough to make a million excuses as to why we should focus on ourselves but when it comes to the end is that how you want to be remembered? Is that what you want your life to be about?

Perhaps it has been written over and over again so many times that it has lost meaning to you but consider Emily Dickinson’s words:

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, Or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin Into his nest again, I shall not live in vain.

I will not lie – there is a side of me that gets to the end of some days and wishes that there were someone there to cater to me. There is at times a self-seeking voice that suggests that things should be different, that I deserve more, that I am entitled to something because I was willing to care. But that is not the voice of love. It is the voice of one seeking to stop me in my tracks and guide me away from a willingness to love others toward a life focused on getting for my own gain. There is a catch though: I know a life lived for myself alone is meaningless next to the knowledge that I have gotten to be a part of so many stories, so many lives. It might be temporarily appeasing to spoil myself with small indulgences but I refuse to get to the end of this life with many toys and much wealth knowing that I did not leave this world a better place.

It is not easy to keep your focus from slipping back onto yourself once you return home alone at the end of the day after giving your all for those that God brings for you to love. It is not easy to watch those you worked so hard to love go down a path that can bring them to destruction. But what an honor to know that there is a good chance that the hand they will reach for once the chips have fallen could be yours; that you can help them find a place back on to solid ground; that you could be Christ’s love to those feeling so desperately alone.

Please help me to remember why I do what I do when my selfishness tempts me to walk away. I had a great friend who walked such a path of love and light during her days here and as she knew she was dying she reminded me every time she saw me in those last days that I, indeed, have the greatest job in the world. May my voice echo hers as I reach the end. May I know I did not live in vain.

“Oh God, to have reached the point of death only to find that you have never lived at all.” ~ Thoreau

Lonely Requests

2011-04-07T03:50:00.002-06:00

I have come to realize that the times I am most lonely seem to be the times I am most disappointed in myself, the times I am most separated from myself. I am well aware that when I go fall asleep to myself I am unable to fully connect with others and I separate myself too from the most intimate relationship anyone will ever have, my Lord, my Savior, my Papa. Thus, in my loneliness as I ask for a hand to hold so I don’t have to do the hard work of remembering to love myself, I should be asking instead for the hand I am making the request of. How God must hurt as we come before Him, pouring out our sorrow, asking for petty things that lie outside of the immense gifts He so desires to bestow upon us. We might marvel at the banquet He has laid out for us but we prefer instead to turn our backs to nibble on the crumbs from our own pockets as if He were unaware of our actions. The sad thing is not that He is aware of such actions but that we can live in such a state that we, ourselves, are not.

New Life

2011-03-19T18:37:00.000-06:00

See this photo at deviantart.com

There are seasons in life where passion is lacking; when everything is meaningless and lacking in joy. The question returns again and again,

“Is this all there is?” I find my soul screaming in agony, “THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!”

All is grey. Nothing offers joy. Movement is a chore and breathing a curse. The weight of every thought drags my heart along the pavement and home seems so very far away, out of my reach or mere consideration.

See this photo at deviantart.com

But ever so slowly my soul begins to shed its skin again. It begins to awaken to itself and stir life amongst the ashes. I start to breathe new life and the Spirit again begins dancing within me.

Passion is rebirthed and starts to inspire life. Each cell ignites the next and a fire begins to crackle. A winter’s worth of clutter slowly falls away and I can hear whispered promises of new life, creation and motivation. Eyes once hazy with sorrow and weariness widen at beauty that fades into winter’s background. So much stirs within me that it threatens to erupt into convulsions of sound, movement and utter joy.

See this photo at deviantart.com

Life is again new, exciting and inspiring and I can’t help but wonder what happened to extinguish such passion during darker seasons of my life. How can I feel such passion, such life only to deteriorate into such depths of lifelessness? I can feel so alive and close to myself only to become a stranger residing within a shell of whom I once was.

See this photo at deviantart.com

In seasons of utter life I attempt to collect pieces of the passion to hold within my core so that in the deadened days of my soul’s deep winter I can warm myself in the glow of passion’s song, holding snippets of faded photographs of who I am, who I was made to be and how I am meant to live.

Inspire me, Papa. Lead me to Yourself and the wonders of all You created me to be. I am Yours.

2011-02-16T19:41:00.003-07:00

Although I am not sure I would claim it as a hard and fast rule, I would rather be a fool than a coward!

2011-01-27T19:48:00.002-07:00

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=lonely&order=9&offset=72#/d1r4hk1

2011-01-02T02:10:00.003-07:00

"There will never be a time when there is not distance between you and those you lead. We find that many of God’s leaders, including Jesus himself, spent much time in lonely places and living lonely lives. Even leaders surrounded by crowds need to accept that leadership is lonely because those crowds usually include fans and foes but few friends. Because leaders build community, oftentimes they find themselves on the outside looking in when it comes to having true peers and true community." -- Pastor Mark Driscoll

And the Door Opens...

2010-12-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

September 7, 1998
So tomorrow I leave for Rosebud. This changes my whole life.

(Mah ha! Little did I know!!)

September 10, 1998
So here I am in Rosebud. A wonderful family have been keeping us housed, fed and loved. So... hmmm...I feel odd but I am not sure just why. See perhaps it would be the same if I were in any new place or it could be the community faith. It's a religious town and home. I love the closeness of the town - the love that radiates and the respect. Is it the religion that scares me? Am I afraid of what I believe? Or of losing that?
I do want to know about the Bible - I mean knowledge is something that I crave right now. I do believe in God, in my own way. I do see him as a creator and someone who watches over me and loves me. We all need something to believe in. I am afraid of losing a piece of me; of what I believe. So much of it confuses me. But now that I look into my heart to see what I believe - I'm not even sure what it is. I shouldn't be ashamed - I have done nothing wrong but here I feel as if I have. I feel like people can zoom right in to the center of me and see that I am different. They can't and even if they could (and I am up front about it anyways) no one would think less of me. I love the people.
This is such a huge decision to make but whatever it is it will all work out as it should. I believe in destiny. But just what is destiny? It's everything going as it was all planned in some great wondrous way. Therefore I will have faith. I believe in God and I, in my own way, pray. I believe in angels watching over me. I know nothing of Jesus and the Bible. This is what I have to go from. Here I have the opportunity to learn about theater in a small, close theater, away from 'structured', 'traditional' ways. I have the chance to be part of such a wonderful community for awhile and learn about something of which I know nothing. My job is to take in everything and filter it through me to come up with my own beliefs and choose my life and where I need to be. I don't have to accept all I hear but I should look at what's out there, right?
The girl here with me seems to think that she belongs here and I don't because she is indeed a Christian and I was never even baptized (nor can I even spell it!) and have a different knowledge of life. How can that be true? It's never been there for me to accept or reject. No one has a right to judge another, religious or not.
I need time to think. I'll make my decision back home in Calgary.

2010-10-17T16:37:00.001-06:00

I have been considering the various roles within the Trinity as of late. A class I was taking in school, which sadly I have come to realize I will be unable to complete successfully at this moment, presented to me an encouragement to look at each part separately. I am someone who can be okay with accepting something without fully understanding all of the parts that make up the whole. I do not need to know what makes my Jeep go, I just want to know that the magic will happen when I turn the key and it will take me from place to place (not that I expect the Trinity to serve me the same way!!). When it comes to faith, I have always been a believer. I have not always had the head knowledge that has come from discipline since accepting the title ‘Christian’ but I was always aware that there was something bigger than myself that was watching over me, loving me. The idea of God having three parts was fine with me and I accepted it as I do the various characteristics within myself. I know I can have a silly side that can give way to a serious, down-to-business side; a girly, classy, dressed-up and polite side that can also swing a hammer, play in the dirt and ride a motorcycle. I can be tough and walk through hell with someone yet turn to tears during a Hallmark commercial. These might appear to have opposite characteristics, but all are present within me. Why can’t God have three components?

Lately though, I have been seeking to look at the various aspects of God. I am aware that we all teach from the bias of our own views and understandings and I want to seek understanding as free as I can get from other’s biases. This is a difficult thing because I have found that the more I learn about different theologians and how much of the Christian religion has been decided upon during various meetings of church leaders the more I ponder how watered down our idea of God has gotten. I recognize that God still speaks into his children, especially those who are seeking the truth of who God is but I know we humans are a screwed up bunch of beings who commonly misunderstand what is being said. When I consider different roles of each part of the Trinity that I have learned over the years so many questions exist that I doubt will ever really be answered until I sit with the Almighty when I go Home in the end. Today I thought I would consider what the Trinity looks like to me. What follows is not ‘Biblical’. I do not suppose it to be ‘truth’. It is what I feel inside my being that I lean on from my own intuition and I am well aware that I cannot create truth!

Although it is often taught that Jesus takes our prayers and commissions them to the Father on our behalf, I, personally, feel that I can just pray to my Papa. Although I see Papa as the encompassing of all three persons of the Trinity, I also see it as being the Father, which the Spirit and Son stem from.

When I feel the need to personify the Father I see him as an old man and I imagine meeting with him in the kitchen of an old house. It is not a house I have known here on earth, but if is old and familiar and carries a sense of home that I don’t currently know. The walls hold memories of generations of families sharing life together and remind me that I was loved before I was born. For although they came long before me and may have never met me, the ones did who built the house did so for me.

So often our image of wisdom connects with people who have lived a long time and have plenty of life behind them. Papa, the old man in my ‘kitchen’, does not take on any of the characteristics I can think of to connect him with any of my family. You see I never knew my father’s father; he died before my parents were married. My mother’s father passed away when I was nine and I was not very close to him while he was alive. I have few memories of him. My own father has never played a very big role in my life. He did not seem to have much interest in being a father and it has only been recently that he has appeared to have any interest in knowing who I am (something I am thankful for). I don’t know what it is to have a father in earthly terms. My personification of the Father stems, I am sure, from more of what I would desire to have in a father than what I have known.

We sit in the sun-warmed kitchen of my imagined home and chat and laugh while eating toast with jam and fresh brewed coffee. The kitchen is old, but clean. The chairs have metal legs and plastic-covered seats and backs and match the table. Though they are fifty years old they are in incredible shape. The toaster is just as old but pops toast cooked to perfection, the dial not touched in decades. There is always a bowl of fruit on the counter and although I doubt I have ever seen anyone eat it there is an ever-present partially used jar of marmalade jam that has been recently purchased.

Papa is always wearing a pair of slacks and a cardigan sweater. When he’s in the house he also wears a pair of slippers with grips on the bottom. His hair is, of course, grey and balding on top without any attempt at a comb-over and he wears a pair of unobtrusive wire-framed glasses. He is always fully-shaven. One could see that Papa was strong and worked with his hands. Although he appears to be thin there is still a strength to him and his health is never in question. He sits with one leg crossed over the other and is comfortable with the silence. Though he has much wisdom to offer he will listen as long as I need him to, allowing me to ramble on. I am one to let my words get away on me and can fill a room with chatter if someone were to offer the time. I know I have the freedom to in this kitchen but at the same time know I really don’t have to say a thing and he will already know everything there is to say.

Sometimes we go for walks in my mind. We would head out, down the dirt road from the house. The light is always golden and the air always fresh and life giving. It is always the perfect temperature for walking. There is no sense of rush or direction, just a comfortable moseying of people happy to be in each other’s company. Every so often he will catch my hand when I need to be reminded that he will always have my back and offer me a place to return to no matter what. He often laughs with me, patting me on the back while he throws his head back in the joy of the moment. I know he will always be honest with me and offer me advice. He knows when I need to just walk together in silence but is also skilled at riding my stubbornness, catching the wake at the exact point I am willing to uncover my ears and hear his wisdom. Papa is a gentleman and will allow me to hide at times but loves me enough to be stern in his gentle, grandfatherly, not-to-be-missed way when needed. He will find me when I need to be held and stand close by and smile when I head back into the world to live my life for him. Although I can choose to head home to meet him in the kitchen, he does not live in the house or on the quiet dirt road and is instead with me always.

Jesus lived in flesh and reminds me he know what it is to be human. Although he is build from the same cloth as Papa he is a younger version of him if you will. He is with me always and acts as a brother, a friend and a coach. He goes for runs with me, cheering me on. I take him for rides whenever I get in the Jeep or ride my bike. Jesus walks with me always and points out what I should pay attention to and not miss. He goes before me and seeks out the path I should follow, showing me what I need to look out for. He doesn’t lose his temper when I bypass his good advice nor does he belittle me when I condemn myself and suggest he can tell me, “I told you so.” He never does, though and instead forgives me and takes my hand, offering me the courage to forgive myself as well.

When I can’t sleep I know he is sitting on the edge of my bed, holding my hand. He understands the broken places I still don’t inside of me and reminds me we are all broken and the pain will cease. For every tear I have cried he sat beside me crying a thousand more. In my seasons of darkness when I felt overcome by life he would quietly remain next to me as I begged him to leave me. So often we expect God to have human characteristics. He knows that when feeling unworthy of love we sometimes try to push others away to see if they are willing to fight for us; to see if they will give us the worth we can not find for ourselves at the moment. He does stay. Always. To him, I am always worthy even if I cannot understand why.

He reminds me of who I want to be and how I promised to live my life when I am acting out of my less-than ideal self. He nudges me when I lean on self-seeking temptations and sits with me in my misery when I am disappointed with myself. When I lack courage he becomes bigger to take on my fears. When I am weak he will take the reins offering the strength to continue. In my moments of selfishness when I deem to judge others as less than myself he reminds me that I have no right to attempt to usurp that role from the Father. He gently puts me back in my place alongside the rest of his children, reminding me he loves them, too.

Jesus was the embodiment of love and continues to play that role in my life. He shows me how to live my life in worship and guides me to the places he desires for me to live that out. I know he loves the Father and desires to share that love with me. We work together in serving the Father by loving and serving those around us. He teaches me how to love and walk alongside others, offering what strength I can for their journey.

The Spirit is a dancer. It is a mystical combination of emotion, beauty and color being carried on a breeze that binds me together with the Father and Son. It invites me to live within the combination of the Trinity. I breathe it in and allow it to move through me: healing my brokenness, revealing my truths and offering peace and calm when I am stressed and impatient. It whispers my name when I have lost focus and sends shivers through me when I connect with another in a moment of God’s truth.

The Spirit is a blanket when my heart breaks and reminds me it is Christ’s tears I am crying when the pain of the world breaks my heart. It stretches beyond myself to others, allowing us to connect on a deeper level than I can understand. It is the water that gentle encourages my soul to grow and become. It encourages me to create, to dance, to run, to laugh.

It leads me to return again and again to Papa’s kitchen, reconnecting with the core of my being. The Spirit sings songs to me that are familiar yet distant. It paints pictures of how life could be and how Papa wishes it were. It simultaneously binds me to the truth of where I come from while freeing me from the past that cannot control me. It is a familiar mystery that I cannot not know nor fully explain or understand.

And I am okay with that.

2010-09-07T20:39:00.000-06:00

The believer can only perfect his faith on the ocean of nihilism, temptation and doubt; he has been assigned the ocean of uncertainty as the only possible site for his faith. On the other hand the believer is not to be understood undialectically as a mere man without faith.

Just as we have already recognized that the believer does not live immune to doubt but is always threatened by the plunge into the void, so now we can discern the entangled nature of human destinies and say that even the non-believer does not represent a rounded and closed existence. However vigorously he may assert that he has long left behind him supernatural temptations and weaknesses and now accepts only what is immediately certain he will never be free of secret uncertainty.

Just as the believer is choked by the salt water of doubt constantly washed into his mouth by the ocean of uncertainty, so the non-believer is troubled by doubts about his unbelief, about the real totality of the world which he has made up his mind to explain as a self-contained whole. He can never be absolutely certain of the autonomy of what he has seen and interpreted as a whole; he remains threatened by the question whether the belief is not after all the reality which it claims to be.

Just as the believer knows himself to be constantly threatened by unbelief which he must experience as a continual temptation, so for the unbeliever faith remains a temptation and so a threat to his permanently closed world.

- Joseph Ratzinger, Intro to Christianity

2010-04-23T23:34:00.000-06:00

There is a sorrow that comes in spring time that is out of place in my world. It is a time of excitement and warmth, of rebirth and newness and yet I feel so homesick for something that I can not find nor explain. It is something that feels so deeply a part of me that I should somehow know what it I am looking for, mourning over and seeking to find.

This emptiness calls to old memories stored deep within me and I wrap them around myself like a security blanket that still holds the scent of people and places so far from the present. Some memories hold no faces or specific situations, but rather emotions and auras of times past. They whisper to me and I long for places and times I rarely find myself thinking about.

In spring I find I tend to curl up inside of myself for awhile and seek to slip awake to be alone with my thoughts. It is not a time of hopelessness and deep sadness but a time of detached melancholy that does not over take nor diminish my enthusiasm for life. In the spring something calls to me and I have no choice to seek whatever it is. There is a loneliness within it, but one that does not cause me to feel without love and support.

I feel like I am trying to catch my shadow, but have never seen what it looks like. I can grasp at it but never catch it. I know that in time this season will end and the longing will again lay dormant inside of me again but for now I long to climb inside memories of long late night spring walks, lazy days laying in the warm summer sun and evenings around cozy fires that I wished would never end.

Sometimes I feel like I dropped pieces of myself along the roadside when I wasn't paying attention and if I could just find the way back I could pick them up and begin to feel whole again.

2010-02-19T11:18:00.006-07:00

A Return to Ireland - Chapter one (Chapter 2 to follow in hopefully less than 5 months!!)

I realize I left those of you who follow my life journeys hanging for a long time there (in fact I know one of my 'follower' left completely!). We did survive Ireland and the crazy skinny, super fast roads!! By the time we left I felt like I could take on race car driving and that our wide, flat, straight, Canadian road would never look the same to me!

It really was the trip of a lifetime and both of us would go back in a heartbeat!!

I abandoned blogging in favor if editing and posting the 1300 photos I took! I also had less alone time to write with my traveling partner along. (You'd never believe it, but we got along the entire the time, laughing most of the way!!)

So! In Ireland I left you in Blarney. Allow me now to continue our journey as I look back fondly after all these months!

Barney, Co. Cork

My Ma and I wondered around after dinner chatting, wondering where the castle itself was. It was a nice evening and although it would have been nice to stop for a drink, the only pub we found was filled to the roof with loud twenty-somethings (those crazy young'ins!) so we headed back to our fancy hotel built into an old woolen mill and our cozy separate rooms (hey, we love each other, but need to build in breathing space so we can continue to love each other!!)

The next morning we headed off to find this castle. You would never believe it, but this huge castle was a five minute walk from our hotel! It is magically nestled into the trees and is not even noticeable from town square! As you head along the manicured lawn with it's little creek, flowers and big green trees, it emerges as if out of nowhere.

We ended up following a terrified woman up the tiny steps to the top of the castle cheering her on the whole way, stopping to indulge the curious child longing to explore the rooms and hiding places. It seemed as though any of the monuments that were being preserved as historical sites lacked a sense of magic that the more abandoned sited held, but between the grounds and story behind this castle it still managed to capture the heart the same way.

The Blarney Stone itself was hidden at the top of the castle along the top wall, in such a place that those wishing to kiss it and receive it's promise of the gift of eloquence are forced to lay on their backs and lower themselves with the help of a spotter to lift their lips of it. It is said that an old witch that lived in the forest around the castle reveled the secret of the hiding spot of this famous stone, sought after by many. We

made the climb and although Mom did lower herself down there to blow the stone a kiss, I was content to simply wave. I figure I am eloquent enough already ;)

The grounds themselves were a great adventure to explore! In fact there was one point when I was a little ahead on the path and

stopped to take a picture and Mom, enamored with all she was seeing smashed right into me! The path was even several feet wide! I know this does not seem like a terribly humorous tale but I guarantee when Mom reads this post she will fall over laughing all over again!!

This is the type of land that I an sure inspired the tales of Merlin and King Arthur! It has caves and crevices that it is believed that druids and ancient Celts worshiped and performed ceremonies. It has enormous plants, waterfalls and wildly gnarly trees that inspire imaginations! It was definitely one of my favorite places on our trip!

Cobh

After we pulled ourselves away from the castle we decided to take a 'short' drive (make that a frustrating and difficult) drive through (the busy and frustrating traffic) of Cork to the port city of Cobh, known for a while as Queensland.

This would have been the port our (and everyone else's) relatives departed from. We barely snuck into the interruptive center before it closed, which turned out to be mostly a disappointment. One thing that sticks out for me is how it tells of the Titanic departing from it's shores and that there was a great tragedy, but fails to mention what actually happened!! We were able to understand better the reasons behind people's choices to leave this beautiful land. Between 1848 and 1950 2.5 million of the six million Irish people who emigrated to North America departed from this port. My ancestors were amongst the first to leave around 1850 with approximately 1000 others. Their journey would have taken nine months and they were required to bring their own food.

Remember that in those days there are no stabilization mechanisms on these boats. It would have been a long, very difficult voyage! As we flew home in our (in comparison) cozy airliner, with (in comparison) warm, catered meals we reminded ourselves of what our ancestors had to endure so we could grow up in North America!

Cobh was a beautiful place with it's brightly colored houses and huge cathedral style church, but we were tired and hungry so we found a place to eat (which was always a challenge in Ireland with my food issues!!) and pushed to get back to Blarney without having to conquer the roads in the dark (I allowed Mom to drive ;) She did great!)

2010-02-19T10:52:00.002-07:00

Journal entry June 23, 2008

Temptation often carries me unnoticing through the doors of religion where I abandon self and intimate relationship and slip into the motions of pseudo-faith. Here I attempt to build a relationship constructed through what I perceive as being ‘correct’ forms of ‘devotion’ rather than heart-cry passion. Here I put on who I wish I could be in these moments rather than who God created me to be. Such a motion spits in the face of a Creator who desires me to be someone so different from who I might put on to present to him. He longs for me to come approach Him from the center of where am I without hiding, without excuses, without fluffing myself up to impress Him or putting on a character to dazzle Him. He wants the devotion and heart of the woman He made me to be. He wants me to come to Him with my hands open, willing to be taught and

trained; molded and shaped.

Raise your chin, child. Lift up your shoulders. Breathe deep the breath of God and build your confidence of who you are: a daughter of the King. He made you to be someone amazing! Accept the challenge to really live!

Over A Week later...

2009-09-13T10:02:00.008-06:00

Back in Dublin

Oh, my! It has been a while! SO... I did head back to Dublin and got terribly lost in the city - no street signs and no where to pull over and figure out where in the heck ya are! The thing is even if you could pull over if you don't know where you are, you can't figure out how to get to where you want to be!! I wandered around for 2 hours and finally returned the car - a welcome relief!

The next few days flew by! I wandered around by day and checked out a few sites in Dublin and took it easy and in the evenings I volunteered at the Absolut Fringe. Mainly I stood around telling people where the bathrooms were or took tickets, but it was cool to be able to hang out with other volunteers and have some people to chat with. I saw only one show the whole way though and wish I didn't - it was crude and not my taste in the least. The rest of the audience seemed to enjoy it. Of the other nights I worked I caught little bits and pieces and had a great time. I stayed at a little guesthouse on South Great George St just outside of Temple Bar - close enough for everything to be handy and far enough to be more on the quiet side.

A New Adventure

I picked up mom from the airport on Thursday where we also picked up our new rental car - a grey Nissan Micra. The best part - it is automatic! We headed off to an area not too far away just north of Dublin called Sutton Cross for the night and then on Friday we caught the main road around Dublin and headed south into County Wicklow.

Glendalough (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glendalough)

Here you find the remains of a Early Medieval monastic settlement founded in the 6th century by St Kevin, a hermit priest, and destroyed in 1398 by English troops. It has a high tower, grave yard and churches. We have found that farther from Dublin things are easier to find. It probably also helps that I am not both driver and navigator and that I am getting more used to Irish roads! It is a cool, but popular site so there are plenty of people visiting. It is a beautiful and moving place.

Old Castlemacadam Church

We were heading toward Woodenbridge where we were staying and right after we passed through Avoca there was this old unmarked church covered in ivy. I turned the car around made a (rather fast and unexpected) turn into the little driveway next to the outside wall and we drove up to the top of the drive was only to find the gate locked tight. I was quite disappointed but took a few shots around the gate. As we left we found another little gate, pulled over again and found this one unlocked. This place was magic! There was an unreal sense of awe and sacredness. It was full of peace and wonder. I could have stayed here for hours breathing in the magic.

This is by far my favorite place so far in Ireland! I searched for a long time on line before finding any information on the church or even the name of the little town it is in. I found that this parish was Protestant and was founded in 1720.

St. Mary Church - Gowran

We left Woodenbridge heading toward Thomastown when we passed though Gowran in County Kilkenny and saw another set of ruins that were calling to us. It was another sudden turn into what I thought would lead into a parking lot. I was wrong! It lead to another locked gate! This one, however was so tight and would mean either backing into a busy street of a 12 point turn. We choose the 12-point turn and much laughter! We found an open gate and headed in. There is no way to capture the magic of this church! It was terribly elaborate and beautiful! It was collegiate church and was built in the late 13^th century on the site of an earlier monastery. In the 19^th century the tower was added on between the two structures. It is still in use today as is the surviving building.

Jerpoint Abbey – Thomastown

This abbey in County Kilkenny is open to the public and has been partially restored. Although most of the structure is in its original state it lacked the sense of awe and sacredness that the previous 2 did. It is believed to be founded in 1160 by Donal MacGillapatrick, King of Ossory and was colonized by Cisterian monks in 1180. The abbey was dissolved in 1540 and all 1880 acres of land held were presented to the earl of Ormonde.

Sunday

I can’t believe that it was just yesterday that we passed through Gowran and Jerpoint! It seems like so few things that we have done, but traveling between places and then stepping into the past through the left over ruins takes a lot out of a person! We stayed in a nice, but terribly loud room in Colmel in County Tipperary. We stopped into the hotel pub for a drink but lounged too long and missed the opportunity to have dinner there and so were forced to eat at the fast food joint across the street. This morning we got up and headed off for Cashel to see the abbey there.

Rock of Cashel (http://www.sacred-destinations.com/ireland/rock-of-cashel)

AKA: St. Patrick’s Rock, Cashel of Kings.

Cashel means stone fortress. History suggests that this site was first build as a defense post in the 4^th or 5^th century and was the seat of the High Kings of Munster. Most of the current buildings date back to the 12^th and 13^thcenturies.

It has also been believed that St. Patrick visited this site in the 5^th century and converted Aenghus, the reining king at the time to Christinaity. As the story goes, Patrick accidently stabbed the king in the foot with his crosier during the process. The king, unfamiliar with Christina ways, thought it was part of the initiation rite and simple bore the pain.

Mitchelstown Caves (http://www.mitchelstowncave.com/)

While at the hotel in Clonmel we got a guide for the area and mom found an add for these caves that were once an underground river. They were unreal! Naturally, it was dark and moist, but the work of the water over thousands of years can be unreal! The stalagmites and stalactites were beautiful. The guide showing us through said that the acoustics were great and that concerts had actually been held down there in the past! When she asked for a volunteer to check them out I couldn’t resist and belted out the intro to ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’.

Backyard Castle

The road to the cave was a tight squeeze! You didn’t want to meet someone long it, that’s for sure! As it was a ways in, I thought perhaps we should keep in the same direction on the way out regardless of where it took us. Along the road we noticed the remains of a castle (this is so common in Ireland that sometimes it just ends up being a random building forgotten in a field!). As we got closer we saw that it was simply sitting in the back yard of a house! Mom went to the door and asked if we could see the castle and the lady kindly let us wander through her yard and under the (possibly electric) fence to gander at the remains. It was Burncourt Castle and was built in 1641 by Sir Richard Everard. Unfortunately it was burned down by Cromwell in 1650. Everard was hanged by Ireton a year later and so the castle has laid in ruins ever since! An old rhyme says, ‘it was seven years in building, seven years living in it and fifteen days it was burning’.

Sunday is Parade Day!

After our back yard journey, we headed to Ballyporeen for something to eat. It was so dead that we asked a few fellows outside a pub where the best place to eat was and their answer was simply the next town over! We headed back to the car just as an old car parade pulled through town past us! We laughed and watched the cars go by and headed for the next town when we passed another parade: a tractor parade!! It was all the tractors in the area following each other through the countryside!!

Thai Food in Ireland

Tonight we are in the home of our ancestors: County Cork. We are staying at the Blarney Stone Mill Hotel and tomorrow we will head to the Castle to (perhaps) kiss the stone (I am not sure I can do it – do you how many people have kissed that bloody rock! Ew!). We headed to Blarney town square for dinner and came across as Thai food restaurant! We both love Thai and so headed in for the best meal we have had while on the island!

And so now it is past my bedtime and I need to hit the hay!Good night all! Blessings to you all! Keep following us as we head across the south to the west coast!

- shel

2009-09-04T12:22:00.007-06:00

A Few Days out of Dublin (Post meant for Sept 3 - bad connection)

So… I headed off into the countryside of County Meath in search of a little relaxation (not being a city girl) a few days ago. Monday was the trip to Dunboyne Castle Hotel (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWp-MeQOmGw&feature=related) as stated in my last entry. Tuesday I woke up with no desire to get up – I was exhausted and headachy! I slept a little longer but was eager to get rid of it and hit the road – it was supposed to be the nicest day of the week! Alas, before I headed out the door a torrential downpour was taking place!! Instead I journeyed down to the lounge with its big bright windows, couches and La Marzocco (http://www.lamarzocco.com/indexb.html) for a sandwich and coke and read a book until the rain stopped.

When it finally did I was determined to hit Trim Castle (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trim_Castle) for a few hours before heading back for my early evening massage. According to Google Map it was about 35 minutes away so I figured on 1 hour either way (giving lots of time to get lost – roads are normally only marked by a sign at the intersection only and can not be easily read as you fly by at 80 km!). Unfortunately I got more lost than usual and finally gave up and began to try to find my way back to the hotel only to stumble upon Trim with 20 minutes before having to head back!!

Even more unfortunate was that while stopped at Trim I noticed that somewhere on the way there I managed to knock off the cover to the passenger side mirror!! CRAP! I think it must have been when a BMW was tailing me around a rather tight corner or when I had to swing out of the way of (what I can only assume) another foreigner driving on the wrong side of the road (it wasn’t me – really!!) Around here you are often catching brush as the roads are so thin and so it would be easy to miss to a degree. I have no doubt this happens in Ireland all the time!!

Trim Castle was the one used in ‘Braveheart’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBXBtORI7pE) back in the day. I found this terribly surprising as it sits right in town with houses and a hotel right across the street!! I only had enough time to wander the outside of it and head back, determined to return to Trim for the actual tour of the inside on Wednesday.

Naturally I got lost on my back, but only used the hour planned and returned in time to get ready for my massage. The spa was beautiful!! I loved every moment I was in there and was greatly impressed with the girl working out the nasty knot deep in my left shoulder!!

Wednesday was rainy and cold and I had no desire whatsoever to hit the road, but I thought I might wander into town for something to eat rather than grabbing a sandwich at the lounge (the only thing priced decent enough to consider). I wandered for a short while and decided on a coffee shop and ordered chicken fingers and fries. I stuck mainly to the fries and wee bit of salad I got, which sounds wise, but the one chicken finger I ate was so greasy I was sick. I thought finding food in Ireland might be a challenge. I appear to be right and am pretty sure I am going to get sick of sandwiches before long!! I figured I’d spend the evening reading and watching a movie, but I mainly wandered around online trying to figure out were to stay for the next week – it took much longer than expected and before I knew it it was bedtime.

Today is Thursday and I finally stopped downstairs for my free breakfast, packed up and decided on the day’s destination. I figured I’d head a little further north to check out the burial site of Brù na Bòinne (http://www.knowth.com/). It may come as a shock, but I once again got terribly lost and had to change my route, stop to check the map and backtrack several times. I did finally make it and although you can check out three sites, I only did one, which was fascinating – these ruins are 5000 years old! Really, more than the one would have been too much for me today. I grabbed a quick sandwich before I left and hit the road, expecting another longer-than-needed trek, only to find that my hostel was only a one-minute walk down the road (http://www.newgrangelodge.com/)!! Google Map failed me again! (But I was more than happy to not have to head off onto the road again!!)

After the past few days I was tempted more than once today to call and cancel my reservations and head back to Dublin to ditch the car and find some place to stay. I am glad I stuck it through – I am not too eager to get to the city. I do wish, however I didn’t bother with the car. Given all the stresses of learning new skills, driving on the wrong side of the road and continuously getting lost, I am wishing I took a bus tour or hopped around on the train. Perhaps I should have at least gone with the more expensive (twice as much) automatic.

Last night I found myself wishing I could sleep at home. It was lonely after a rainy day spent inside. The road and car stress were also getting to me but I figured I’d be better after a night’s sleep and getting out again. Staying at a hostel tonight is an attempt to push past the (hopefully momentary) loneliness. It is a cute place and I feel more at home here. The room is small, but it is not shared and the bathroom is about the same size as my closet in Chestermere – I can wash my hands while I sit on the toilet! But again I do not have to share (which I thought at first I would). Currently I am sitting in the living room where a French Canadian (who says he was born in the "Alberta mountains") is drinking a beer, cracking his knuckles and making loud comments punctuated with foul language at different things on tv. There is a girl downstairs on the phone and although a group of German guys just came through it has been pretty quiet. Several of the guests are older than one would anticipate in a hostel (yes, older than ME!). I am trying to download some pictures onto facebook, but the internet is the slowest I have seen since dial-up so it might not happen tonight. Oh well.

Tomorrow I head back to the city to volunteer at the Dublin Fringe Festival (/www.fringefest.com/) . I will be working every evening Saturday – Wednesday. I have booked a room at a funky guesthouse near Trinity College called Grafton House (http://www.graftonguesthouse.com/). It comes highly recommended from Lonely Planet. We’ll see!!

Take care all!!

Sending lots of love home (and to those not there either ;)

- shel

2009-08-31T12:07:00.008-06:00

Outside of Dublin

I was happy (and terrified) to venture outside of the city today. I have never been much of a big city girl and can only handle the crowds and busyness for so long. I begin to feel lost in the rush of people and more hurried than I'd like. I felt a little guilty - there is still so much I'd like to see in Dublin - I loved my time there, but upon the realization that I will be there next week I was content to let go.

The terrifying side was the thought of hopping into a right-hand drive, standard car (neither of which I am accustom to!) and trying to make my way out of Dublin on it's confusing and busy streets. I actually did okay until I had been lost for two hours and began to lose my nerve. At that point I did begin to stall my little fiesta. Yes, Ireland I am the redheaded Canadian who was driving too slow in front of you; the foreigner who should just get off the road and I'd like to say I AM SORRY IRELAND!! What can I say? 100 km for skinny, curvy roads is a little overwhelming!!

Sigh...I miss Mazey and the wide Canadian roads!

I would have to say that there were 2 highlights that marked the day, which sandwiched the sometimes pee-in-my-pants worthy drive. The first (Shelley sheepishly admits) would have be the taxi ride to the car rental place. The 30-something, fine looking taxi driver was impressed with my sense of adventure and drive and left me his cell number - should I ever need a taxi when I return to the city or would like to take my mom on a tour of the city when she gets here - for a third off the regular price.

My second highlight would be my accommodations for the next few days. I have been missing my fellow Ireland-loving, (naturally) red headed chiropractor as I have a wicked knot spreading across my shoulder and in leu of demanding she come meet me (she just might!) I started looking at spas that do massage. All I can say is, "Thank God for the recession!" Tourism is down and so hotels everywhere are having specials. I am at the Dunboyne Castle Hotel on a 3 nights for 2 deal that works about to the same as any run of the mill hotel would have cost and am booked in to have a neck, shoulder and back massage tomorrow at 6.

As I walked into my room I sighed with delight. It is beautiful and I felt all the stress of the drive drain out. I do feel a little out of my league here - I parked the Fiesta in the car park with the other cars including a few BMWs and Mercedes Benz's. Many of the guests have the uppity, well-pressed look to them and me in my skater shoes, jean capris and t-shirt looked a little wrong-side of the tracks. BUT I am content to be here. I threw on a pair of jeans, a nicer shirt and headed down to the very open, bright 'pub', found a couch, grabbed a (decaf) latte and a sandwich and read a book as I ate. From here I am hoping to head around the country side and breath deeply. Wanna check out the hotel (it's not much of a castle - it looks a little more like a southern mansion.) http://www.dunboynecastlehotel.com/index.html#. I am also adding in some pics of my room and the view from my window.

Oh, by the way, my cell does not work here and wandering around on my own is a little scary without one. I looked into some cell rental options, but they were all tough to get to and found that I could pick up a new pre-paid cell for emergencies or reservation making. So I have an Irish phone number! I am leaving the number with work and my Mom in the case of an emergency.

Happy day, all! Talk to you again soon!!

This was the first view of my room

When I headed into the bathroom I was in love with the deep tub, but there was no shower curtain! BUT there behind the door...

The bathroom is more than twice the size of the one I had at the other hotel!

So is the bed !!!

And It is colored with RED: With a HUGE window!!

The view:

And it is even featured in this here book:

2009-08-29T11:56:00.005-06:00

Isle of Mists 2

Is it Saturday already?! Don't let time go by too fast!

So, I pulled myself out of bed (only about 10 minutes late as I slept through my ipod alarm!) after 10 hours sleep (don't tell my sleep doctor!) to head to my Fringe training. I got ready (and was able to straighten my bangs thanks to my new plug converter!) and headed down to Temple Bar. Training was short - just a general overview and quick headshot taking. I was out of there before noon with a new goal: to get lost in Dublin.

I wandered down side streets admiring the buildings and watching the people. I wish that everything would just freeze and I could take pictures of all the people!! I think I know where I got my fashion sense when I was in jr. high! People wear every kind of attire here. Even the old ladies have pink hair! I have also spotted Irish twins of some people I know in Canada - my CLTD Lisa N (but I can't her picture in a violet leisure suit), Chris Laddie from camp and my old manager Tanya (if she had bright red hair and a baby!).

I did swing into Starbucks just for something a little familiar. (I have not been terribly hungry or able to eat much of anything - I thought I'd least get a latte!) I did have to laugh though, there were 2 police officers at Starbucks buying fraps. Outside they handed them to the officer sitting in the car and the person in the back. Is that what happens when you get arrested here - they take you to *$??

While I sat sipping my latte a long parade of motorcycles headed up by police went by and continued to drive past for about 15 minutes! I wandered the streets, content to be alone and enjoy the scenery.

The only store I went into was to buy a bottle of water. It did begin to rain slightly (it is Ireland after all) but it was right about the time I stumbled upon the Christ Church Cathedral and headed in for a self-guided audio tour. I felt an unreal sense of awe in this building. History has astounded me lately and being surrounded by such a long and rich (literally - kings have sat in this church!) history can be a little overwhelming.

I recognize that this church is a little on the small side compared to some cathedrals but it does have a feel of the sacred.

Even the in the crypt there was a sense of peace when I was anticipating eeriness.

I wandered happily for five hours and then made my way back to the hotel to put my feet up for awhile. I need to consider where I am going to sojourn next week as I have one day left at this hotel.

I didn't bring the big camera today. I realize that I would have gotten better shots, but the little coolpix feels less obvious and fits easily in my pocket.

I have enjoyed being on my own thus far and not making much conversation besides talking with store clerks and the taxi driver as I headed into Dublin. I do need to wander downstairs for a decent meal but am hesitant in my antisocial mood.

Tomorrow I will hit the streets again, I think. I have not been too eager to head shopping as I still have 3 1/2 weeks left and will be back in Dublin for the Fringe, to meet up with my Mom and then to fly out again.

I hope all is well back home! Blessings all!

- shel

2009-08-28T11:08:00.006-06:00

Isle of Mists

It is day 2 in Ireland. I touched down yesterday and headed straight for the hotel in desperate need of a nap. I did venture out to find something to eat last night and simply wondered around the block.

I knew before I left Canada that I would be tired and want to sleep for days. It is true! I wish I had all the energy in the world and could devour Dublin, but have found that I just want to hide and sleep. I hit the sack around 11:30 last night and although I was awake for 2 hours during the night I slept until 1:30 and could have slept longer!

I ventured out to make sure I could find my way to Temple Bar where I have a training session for the Fringe Festival tomorrow. There is little doubt that I scream 'tourist' simply by my

slow meander as I gaze at the architecture and goofy smile at the thought that I am finally in Ireland.

Today's goals were to get something to eat, some deodorant and a converter plug to keep my computer running and hair straightened.

I did find Temple Bar and where I need to be tomorrow. The converter plug was easy to find - I just needed to find a small electronics store. The guy smiled and knew exactly where the plug I needed was. It was only 10 Euros after a discount from the overly smiley store clerk!

Pit stick was a bit more of a struggle. I could only find roll on or spray. (How did I manage to forget mine?! Mom - wanna bring me some?)

My hotel is cute - you have to be watching for it as you only see the entrance from the front. The view from my window leaves something to be desired, but is quieter than if it were in the front on the busy street. The carpet, however is definitely something else!!

2009-02-18T03:52:00.009-07:00

2/18/09

(I just found this post. When I first went to post it there were strange errors that did not allow it to be posted)

I have a fabulous prof at school teaching a class on world religions. She is amazingly passionate! Every day of the class one of her goals is to get us fired up about our world and to be in the know about what is going on in the world around us. She constantly pushes such phrases as, "These are dangerous times and few people are aware. You need to be politically aware!

In another class we were given an article suggesting that the school system as we know it was developed to produce mindless consumers. It is chilling to think of! (In my mind as I write this Pink Floyd's 'We don't need no education' is repeating in my head). The following is pulled from the article: http://www.spinninglobe.net/againstschool.htm

O nce you understand the logic behind modern schooling, its tricks and traps are fairly easy to avoid. School trains children to be employees and consumers; teach your own to be leaders and adventurers. School trains children to obey reflexively; teach your own to think critically and independently. Well-schooled kids have a low threshold for boredom; help your own to develop an inner life so that they'll never be bored. Urge them to take on the serious material, the grown-up material, in history, literature, philosophy, music, art, economics, theology - all the stuff schoolteachers know well enough to avoid. Challenge your kids with plenty of solitude so that they can learn to enjoy their own company, to conduct inner dialogues. Well-schooled people are conditioned to dread being alone, and they seek constant companionship through the TV, the computer, the cell phone, and through shallow friendships quickly acquired and quickly abandoned. Your children should have a more meaningful life, and they can. First, though, we must wake up to what our schools really are: laboratories of experimentation on young minds, drill centers for the habits and attitudes that corporate society demands. Mandatory education serves children only incidentally; its real purpose is to turn them into servants. Don't let your own have their childhoods extended, not even for a day. If David Farragut could take command of a captured British warship as a pre-teen, if Thomas Edison could publish a broadsheet at the age of twelve, if Ben Franklin could apprentice himself to a printer at the same age (then put himself through a course of study that would choke a Yale senior today), there's no telling what your own kids could do. After a long life, and thirty years in the public school trenches, I've concluded that genius is as common as dirt. We suppress our genius only because we haven't yet figured out how to manage a population of educated men and women. The solution, I think, is simple and glorious. Let them manage themselves.

2008-12-05T19:08:00.007-07:00

Remember when we would sit up all night just so that the world looked it's funniest? One-word stories and bottles of Jolt? Remember how we'd head to the playground to swing on the nights of the full moon? There was that one night we locked the keys in the truck and had to get that guy to break in.
One of my favorite memories was the night we were walking home real late. The town was silent and it was snowing big flakes but it was so warm out that water was running down the street and the sky was red. We stood at the bottom of the hill and talked how great the last few months had been. The three of us were inseparable. We shared the tears but even more so the laughter. We'd head out crammed in the cab of the pick up.
I remember the night I knew we were never going to be the same again. I sat on the deck in the dark. Your dog who never cared for me came to sit with me. I guess he knew that that moment was one of the loneliest.
Eight years have passed since we last sat around a campfire. We all knew it was the last time we'd be together but none of us said it.

It was.

Remember how we used to think we'd always be together? I don't think I was ever so naive to think that people don't change and grow apart. But in those days I needed to hold to that hope however false.
I still feel the aching desire to find a swing whenever the moon is full.
You were the best friends I ever had in my life. I wish you well.

SDS 2000

2008-11-20T23:41:00.001-07:00

"Everybody's Broken"
Jon Bon Jovi

Welcome to the party
Come on in and disappear
You're feeling like a stranger
But all your friends are here
Little lines and cracks
Around your eyes and mouth
Something's trying to get in
Something's trying to get out

It's ok, to be a little broken
Everybody's broken, in this life
It's ok, to feel a little broken
Everybody's broken, your alright
It's just life

Step into the deep end
Make yourself at home
When you wonder why your breathing
Know your not alone
It's so hard to believe
It's easier to doubt
You're trying to hold in
But your dying to scream out

It's ok to be a little broken
Everybody's broken

In this life
It's ok to feel a little broken
Everybody's broken, your alright
It's alright, it's just life

Take a look around
Tell me what you see
Is who you think you are
Who you want to be

It's ok, to be a little broken
Everybody's broken, in this life
It's ok, to feel a little broken
Everybody's broken, your alright
Just keep on going
Eyes wide open
Everybody's broken

Being broken is not a bad thing - it's a human thing. It's okay. The thing is when you are trapped in your brokenness it's no longer okay. Then it's time to get help and get better. I know that's easier said than done, but isn't it worth it? Aren't you?

2008-11-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

Where death lurks life looks different.

2008-09-28T17:29:00.009-06:00

Being a Bible college student naturally I am required to study the books of the Bible. Currently I am reading a book having to do with the Old Testament and one of the questions I am asked to write on has me looking into my own life for correlation. We are still quite early in Genesis and the author is comparing the story of Adam with the story of Israel. Both were granted a divine location where they were in close contact with God Himself. They were given a law to follow in order to remain there and both fell short of said law and thus were expelled from the divine location. That's tough love, baby. When I first was required to read the Old Testament at length I was upset about the idea of following a God that could ravage His people so brutally. Whole people-types would be wiped out for not maintaining what they were told to do. I was furious!! One day I was telling a friend about my disappointments and she reminded me that they were warned; God had told His people if you do this (evil and bad thing) I will do this (brutal and nasty punishment). Talk about action and consequence!! AND YET the people did do the evil thing they were warned not to and so God sent fire and wrath from above and the entire people were no more. It wasn't until one year at camp did I understand the love behind God's extreme response. We had been having a problem with staff being out after lights out. Finally the program director had sat the entire staff team down and told them if any of the group were caught out after the lights out bell rang they would be sent home for the remainder of the week. One night I was walking the camp as it was my night on rounds and I found two of our staff members helping out at the petting zoo. Their intentions were noble, but the fact was they were out without permission after the lights out bell had gone. The next day they were sat down and told they were going home. The program director explained to them that it was in love that he made the call. You see we assured the staff that we love them and are walking with them. We also told them our promise to send them home if they broke the lights out rule. If we break the promise we made about the consequences of their actions how could they be sure we also wouldn't break the promise that we love them? They were sent home with the invitation to return the next week (which both did). I have realized that another story of camp reflects the Adam/Israel tale. She had been a camper and a CLTD at camp over the years - she was granted a divine place to be close to God. She was granted rules to live by as such. However, she managed to break a few of the rules and was told that she had one more chance to live by the laws provided or the consequence was banishment. Alas one more transgression took place and she was required to leave for the remainder of the summer. The really amazing thing is though, that God still loved Adam and He still loved Israel. I'm not trying to suggest that the powers that be here at camp are God, but we still love all three of the people that we expelled from our garden. There is grace and forgivess and without that we'd all be hooped! How often does this story play out?

2008-08-13T22:28:00.005-06:00

The powers and principalities of this world are aware that prayer and it's results are the most revolutionary of acts. That is why they consider those who pray to be a threat. Prayer is an action in itself, a potent political weapon to be used in spiritual warfare against the most powerful forces of the world.

-Jim Wallis

2008-07-14T00:00:00.001-06:00

There are people and there are moments and there is music and there is art that moves me so much that makes me feel like all I have ever done is sat still for the whole of my life. Sometimes I wonder if I have ever breathed at all. How can I live life and not make such a stir?

An email from my Mother

2008-07-12T16:27:00.001-06:00

Ah - my children - I guess I missed giving you some of the facts you needed in life. On the same day, my favorite son asks on his Facebook "did you know that worms don't like Doritos?", and my favorite daughter asks on her Facebook page "how much snot can come from one head?"

Well, here are my answers for you -

Shelley - snot when you have a big cold is like love - it just keeps growing and growing - there is no capacity or end

Kyle - let's think of the logistics - size of a Dorito - versus the size of a little worm mouth - It just won't fit!!!!! Suggest you try crushing the Doritos, serve with beer, and perhaps your little visitors will be more receptive!!!

Love you both your slightly tilted to the left Mom

2008-07-10T21:53:00.001-06:00

I have been thinking lately about who we are as individuals. Are we who we think we are? Are we who others think we are? Maybe we're who we think others think we are?
I could think I am something much more amazing than I am; my ego might be highly swollen. Perhaps I highly underestimate my own abilities and worth. Others might see me as someone painted by someone else with a jealous or envious brush. Perhaps no one has seen the goodness that I might have hidden.
Can we really see the utter truth of each other? Not even I can fully understand myself so much of the time!! I am judgmental and egotistical and critical of myself and others. Are you different from me?
When it comes right down to it, only God can be the judge of any of us. He is the only one who can see down to the very core of our being where we are our deepest selves. It does not matter if you come to camp and sell me someone you might not sell others. It does not matter if in one place you act one way and a complete other in an other place. I am not the one who matters. You don't need to convince me that you are a good person; that you are cool or successful. I am not your final judge. I am no one of consequence.
Just keep in mind that who you are in private will come out in public so you might as well work on who you want the world to know you are and become that rather than trying to sell me on who you think I want you to be. Be real. Be you wherever you are within yourself. From there you can grow. Anything else is just a fraud.
The real you is a hundred times more interesting than any fake you that you can be.
Who do you want to be? Why are you wasting any time being anybody else?

Oct. 4 2007

2008-06-08T23:37:00.004-06:00

A quote I found:
"...this emphasizes the loneliness of the path taken by the person who really tries to live in a subjective relationship with God - there is no security, no certainty, no objective test. The individual is alone, dependent on a faith and with the knowledge that it is always at least possible that he or she could be mistaken."
The quote is by Peter Vardy, but is based on an idea by Kierkegaard.

Runaway Day 5

2008-05-16T21:46:00.007-06:00

Okay, to those who were worried I drove off the road somewhere I did not (don't worry, Mom!)! I am back home in Chestermere. Allow me to update the days I missed.

Day 2
I just realized I left out where I ended up day 2. I was thinking of heading to Seattle for a day of rest, but thought Vancouver might be a better choice as 1. I know the city of some degree 2. If I felt so inclined to visit I know people there 3. I would only be going to Seattle to say I went there (wel...that and imagine McDreamy riding on my ferry!)
So I was going to settle in Everett for the night instead and head to Vancouver Wednesday but only found seedy looking motels so continued on to Marysville.

Day 3
In my attempt to find a Starbucks on Wednesday I managed to get wickedly lost! Normally I would not mind this, but three hours i n the rain on an island going in circle I do not find so entertaining!! I was heading down the main drag thinking I'd avoid the interstate until I had a latte in hand and suddenly there was the option of heading down this really neat looking road of adventure. Sigh...I guess it has to happen once in awhile!!
So finally I managed to get back on track and made it up to Vancouver. I was tempted to avoid the city but did decide to head in and grab a room along Granville. It ended up that Amy, one of my girls (whom I adore) lives not far from there and we were able to meet up and grab some chinese (hence the fact I didn't write that night!). It was so great to catch up (as much as we could with such limited time!!)

Day 4
I got up at a decent hour, and headed to wander Gas Town for awhile, then hit the road for Revelstoke. The trip was relatively uneventful. I did manage to get lost again while in town. I looked on google for a pizza place, ordered a personal one and headed out to the directions offered by google. Right. I headed all over town to find out the address was wrong and it was actually right across the street from the Super 8 I was camped at!! (Well Mike, it must be me!)

Day 5
I hit the pool before stripping back the front half of the Jeep roof and hitting the road for home.
My neck is regretting that choice as will my reflection as I burned the right side pretty good from driving west! (Perhaps I should have driven around in circles today rather than Wednesday!) At any rate, I drove down the driveway at about 530 to hugs and 'welcome home's. It was great to go and happily great to come home.

Conclusion
It was a good trip! I loved it! I covered 2600.7 km. The last 2 days beauty paled in comparison to the second day and so I didn't take any photos. The thought that I'd rather not be alone on this trip may have passed briefly by twice and only while I was grumpy and tired checking into the hotel and in need of dinner (a Johnson trait that one - grumpy when hungry). I loved being on the road. I loved the freedom and quiet. I think it is something we all need to do every few years. I say that while at the same time knowing it was a rare chance and possibly a once in a lifetime thing. I would most definitely do it again though. Alone or not!

PS. I got home to a letter in the mail. It was actually on my mind while I drove: what will happen if I failed that class?? How would I handle 2 semesters with 5 classes each??
Why do I worry like that? I PASSED!!

Runaway Day 2

2008-05-13T23:48:00.008-06:00

I have no idea what I dreamed last night but I flew out of bed in the middle of the night surprised to find myself not in my bedroom!
I left Spokane (after stopping by Starbucks) and headed west on the #2 in Washington. It was perhaps the most amazing drive I have ever taken! Right outside of Spokane the land got quite bland, flat and dead looking. Really, I could have been in Saskatchewan! Before long I crossed onto the 25 for a brief while and passed through a forest before crossing back onto field land. I stopped to eat my lunch over looking a canyon before heading down into a valley with lush orchards and through the mountains.
If ever you are looking for a road-trip to head out on I HIGHLY recommend this trip. I was close to tears at many times today (including when I was really tired and had to wait 15 minutes to get service at the hotel lounge, 45 more minutes to be served (after giving up and reminding the server I ordered food) and having to hunt the server down to ask for a glass of water for the second time!!). The trip through the mountains was foggy and rainy. It was a creepy feeling - you knew that there where mountains looming over you, but couldn't see them nor the cliffs you would crash into if you drove off the road! The snowdrifts next to road must have been over 5 feet in some places! Eventually I reached the far side of the mountains and the deep greens of the valley floor. The air was fresh and moist and my skin is thanking me for coming.
The entire time I relished in the beauty thinking, "If this is the beauty God created here, Heaven is REALLY going to blow our minds!!"
How blessed am I?! I get to take the time to come on this trip, the courage to head out alone and the faith to know I am not alone. I have no worries. I have nothing to complain about. I am far beyond blessed!!

The Runaway - Day 1

2008-05-12T21:13:00.010-06:00

I drove up the driveway today. This is my jeep next to the house (you can see the lake in the background) as I was about to head out. It was great - the sr. summer leadership team attacked me as I headed out my door this morning. It's great knowing that you have people behind you, praying for you! (Thanks gang!)
It was a relaxing day driving. I headed past Calgary and down south on the 22 through Turner Valley (To think I once lived there is pretty much like looking in on someone else's life). I was planning on heading down across the boarder at Roosville, instead I headed to Eastport and down into Idaho. I highly recommend this drive! I wish there were some way to capture the absolute beauty in northern Idaho! There was a look out point that was over this green fairytale-like valley, unfortunately it was raining and the D80 is not fond of such weather! This shot (taken while driving with my knees - hence the angle!) is hardly a glimpse of the green.
The boarder crossing guy was amazed that I was heading out on my own. He was a nice guy who asked me a lot of questions about camp before asking if I had any guns or meat.
I pushed on to Spokane today - the hours flew by and was up to the drive. I have to keep in mind that however far I get I have to drive back! I am thinking I'll head toward Seattle tomorrow. We'll see what happens!! Today I just basked in the glory of being on the open road, breathing the mountain air and attempting to absorb the scenery. I did have one revelation that I know I will need to respond to in the near future: my MP3 player sucks!!As I passed Johnson Road (which was what originally caught me attention) I found this shop. If you look closely you will find even bed pans hanging on this artisan shop!

2008-05-10T20:53:00.004-06:00

It has been so long since I last took some time away for me I can't remember when it was. I am sure I am not the only one!! We get so tied up in our lives of business that we forget to sneak away and look back at our lives, our hopes and dreams and what God might want for us that we can lose track of it all at times. I think that this was part of God's plans when He called for us to take a Sabbath.

And so I shall sabbath.

On Monday (May 12) I am planning on getting up at a (relatively) early hour, climbing into my jeep (recently named Mazey), popping in Jon Bon Jovi and hitting the open road. At the moment I am looking at heading south. I figure I'll head down through Crows Nest and across the boarder at Rooseville. From there we'll see where I am end. Just me and Papa (well, I'm packing in Ani DiFranco, Bon Jovi, a lot of U2 and even a little Poison as well!).
I am anticipating some sleep, a heck of a lot of miles and some photo ops along the way. I am hoping to keep you, my friends and a few random strangers updated on what will most likely be rather dull to anyone else, but feel free to look me up here and see where I end up!!

The open road is calling
and this time I get to answer!

"Lost Highway" Jon Bon Jovi

In my rearview mirror
My life is getting clearer
The sunset sighs and slowly disappears
These trinkets once were treasure
Life changes like the weather
You grow up, grow old, or you hit the road 'round here
So I drive (drive drive)
Watching white lines passing by
My plastic dashboard Jesus
Waiting there to greet us

Hey Hey I finally found my way
Said goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain't no brakes on this lost highway
Yeah, I'm busting loose, I'm lettin go
Out on this open road
It's independence day on this lost highway
Hey hey, hey hey

Don't know where I'm going
But I know where I've been
I'm afraid of going back again
So I drive (drive drive)
Years and miles are flying by
And waiting there to greet us
Is my plastic dashboard Jesus

Hey Hey
Hey Hey I finally found my way
Said goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain't no brakes on this lost highway
Hell, I'm busting loose, I'm lettin go
Out on this open road
It's independence day on this lost highway
Hey hey
Hey, hey

Oh patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this boy which way to go
Guide the car, you've got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity
Kicking off the cruise control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half a tank of gas
Come on
Let's go

I finally found my way
Said goodbye to yesterday
Hit the gas, there ain't no brakes on this lost highway
I'm busting loose, I'm lettin go
When I'm out on this open road
It's independence day on this lost highway
Hey hey

2008-04-12T17:58:00.004-06:00

It has been a long time since I turned 29. Well, I suppose 'long' is a relative term. Really it's been almost 2 years, but when I think about how we were all together, it feels like much longer. I don't know where things went the way they did. I don't know why. All I know is that we were once a family and I was honored to be a part of it and somehow it tore into so many little pieces.
When I stop and look at the people who have come and gone from my life I sigh and wish I could go back to so many of the happy memories of my past. Right now I would be back in Duncan's basement laughing with he and Scott in the wee hours. I dare say, to this day, those were the best friends I ever had.
How do we manage to lose that which we consider worth more than anything else?

2008-04-10T17:22:00.003-06:00

I Jeeped!

2008-04-02T17:55:00.004-06:00

As I left Second Cup last night, the sun was going down and I found a very important bin that for most people should be used much more often:

2008-03-13T22:41:00.001-06:00

THE QUESTION NOW: TO JEEP OR NOT TO JEEP?

2008-02-27T23:32:00.012-07:00

the road is calling me.
my feet are getting itchin' and music is calling me on.
the part of me that feels so utterly out of place is begging me for something new.
something is not sitting right inside of me. it's like a part of me went for a walk. i'm not too sure where but i haven't seen it in awhile. really, i don't even know what part it was - i can't even put up a missing sign - i wouldn't recognize it any more! let me tell you though, i think the reward for finding it would be considerable!!
it's a time for soul searching.
i really think this is what God meant by Sabbath - He calls us to a time where we can be still and He can talk with us. it's not about 'resting' really, it's about clearing the clutter inside of us from time to time so that He can speak to our hearts.
okay, Papa, let's chat.
lead me to myself through You.

2008-02-09T00:48:00.000-07:00

So often I sit down at my computer with my fingers on the keys and stare blankly at the screen wanting so much to write , to free myself of all that longs to let loose onto this blank white screen and instead I turn off my computer.

"It's not profound enough"
"You have nothing worth setting free to the rest of the world"
"No one cares what you have to say"

The little voices echo in my head.
The little voices that chop up our lives; keep us standing on the sidelines wishing we were enough - that we were worthy to grace the tarmac with our presence.
The little voices that slowly choke us and suck the life from our beings.

This is not the battle we were meant to fight. Our lives were not meant to be spend wishing we did rather than doing.
PLEASE don't let you life go by without achieving your dreams! PLEASE do not listen to the voices that can be so defeating and stifling! You, in yourself are enough. You, because you are, are worthy of all the amazing things that this world has to offer.
Shelley, don't write because the words are out there that might be read, write because it is in you to do so. Write because you have words. Write for you. Because you are. That is enough.

2008-01-08T01:51:00.002-07:00

Time has slipped quietly (yet quickly) past and one season has transformed itself into a new one. A new year. I have gotten to a place where the changing of the calender means little. More important is the changes that take place within and that is not something that the literal turning of a page can affect. Many battles are going on within and yet I am at peace with them - I will continue to grow and change and the battles will continue. Many will work themselves out on their own and the ones that need my attention are not drawing me into a stressed state currently. I am content in my between-season-ness. All is well (enough).

2007-11-27T15:11:00.001-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that a life lived in bitterness is good for one thing alone: loneliness.

2007-11-12T22:53:00.001-07:00

If you don't commit you have nothing. If you don't abandon your fears you'll never achieve the magic that you were designed for. Release your fear of falling, of failing, of never being all that is planned for you or you will live your self fulfilling prophesy. You passion, your truth, your very being has to be released to breath. You can't just speak the lines, sing the melodies or play the cords. If you do not believe in what you are doing down to the very center of who you are you can achieving nothing of substance and thus move no one. Don't sing the words or recite the lines - feel them, live them, release the emotion of it all. Art is emotion. Art, as is life, is nothing until you breath life into it.

2007-11-06T13:27:00.000-07:00

And all we can do is keep breathing...

2007-10-30T11:48:00.002-06:00

If you know me you know that the number one way to break my heart is to say you are going to do something and then not do it. Don't make a promise that you may not live up to. Let your no be no and your yes be yes. I am currently sitting in a coffee shop reading a text book about Wisdom Literature from the Bible. The author is saying:
Some things are said in social contexts where everyone understands that these are not legitimate promises that people expect will be kept but sometimes other people take our promises seriously and our failure to do what we said we will do not only disappoints others but also undermines our credibility and our reputation as people of integrity. (Edward Curtis)
Really, if you don't mean it, don't say it. Don't tell me you're going to call or show up and then not. Could it be a scar left from years past? You bet, but whether it's a tick of mine or not it's rude, breaks truth and at times can be quite painful. The bottom line? Take it from Proverbs: Think before you speak.

2007-10-28T20:25:00.004-06:00

Though we journey forward towards the future there are cords that hold us to the past. Some of these cords are braided with pain and some joy. Some we share and laugh about over tables of food and conversation. Others can't be shared - they hold no words only emotion. Some creep up on you when you least expect it and you have no choice but to smile secretly to yourself.

Even as I write this small smiles creep upon my lips.

2007-10-25T18:55:00.001-06:00

I have come to the realization that if I am not in touch with God I can’t be in touch with myself. If I am not in touch with myself I cannot be in touch with God. If I not in touch with either God or myself I cannot be fully in touch with other people. When I am not in touch with other people, God or myself I tend to retreat more and more into myself. When I retreat into myself I lose the ability to commit to the moment and reality becomes dream-like and unimportant. I need to keep reminding myself at these times that the moment is taking place and I am going to miss it utterly, never to be repeated. When I lose touch with the moment I no longer feel creative and everything begins to feel rehearsed and old and I begin to lose touch with my artistic nature. When I lose touch with my artistic nature I no longer feel like myself and start to lose touch with who I am.

People often talk about the balance. That doesn’t quite feel like the right interpretation. It’s more of a circle: a wheel if you will. When one part is out of balance so is my life; my person. The task: get my wheel back in shape!

2007-10-20T10:12:00.001-06:00

It is a tragic and dark day when you've let go of hope, love and your dreams. I don't think this is something that happens suddenly, but rather a process that takes place over time until one day you realize that somewhere along the way you've lost who you are as you slowly let go of your hope, belief in love and the dreams that once mattered. It was a hard and self defeating year in the life of Shelley. As I lost friends and family to various disputes and misunderstanding and my health left me in utter pain I also lost hope. I turned inward, hard and bitter. I have come to feel like a shadow: not fully real; not fully whole. I have pushed people away and forgotten that my words and actions can have effect on others. (For that I am deeply sorry.) And so comes the next leg of my journey: to collect those pieces of myself that I have let slip away, to remember what matters and who I am, to allow love to flow again, to trust again. How scary! It's a risk as all great things tend to be.
The thing is I have recently begun to have hope in hope. It's where you start. It's the beginning and in this the sun shines a little more today than it did yesterday. I pulled out an old binder today where I have kept bits of inspiration and found something that once held much meaning to me:

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge
That myth is more potent than history
That dreams are more powerful than fact
That hope always triumphs over experience
That laughter is the only cure for grief
And I believe that love is stronger than death.

-Robert Fulghum's Storyteller's Creed

I will believe again. I will hope once more and I promise to be willing to risk again.

2007-10-10T23:20:00.000-06:00

These days, as mass media entertainment pummels us with visual excitements, ferociously stimulating us, entertaining us with breathtaking energy, I often find that such entertainment is like any other buzz...it wears off, leaving it's mark all right, but it's a mark mostly thin and flimy, an aftertaste of meaning that never was the point. And then I run into a story - a book or a piece of theatre that's simple or even a small scale, quiet film. The space in it calls to me and the quiet reminds me that many of the most important things reveal themselves gently, delicately in the moments when the still voice finally gains our attention and utters a word, gives us a moment, to mark us forever.

-Jeff Berryman

2007-10-05T18:04:00.000-06:00

I was sitting at a red light one day looking at a sign that said "Eve exams" and listed the price. I sat there trying to figure out what exactly an 'eve exam'. The light turned green and as I got closer to the sign I realized it wasn't an 'eve exam', but rather 'eye exam'

2007-09-28T00:27:00.002-06:00

I used to offer you pieces of myself: things I don't share too often; Things that are perhaps not too pretty to look at, but I know that even from a distance, the gesture makes them beauty. But you couldn't see all that I had offered and I'd find them later on the floor unopened. My heart would sink and I'd waste away. You missed me when you missed my gesture. Perhaps you never noticed; Perhaps you never knew. But I picked up those pieces off your cold floor - those that fell between your fingers. I doubt I'll offer them to you again. They're gifts you failed to notice. The thing I really hold to though is not that I am easily missed, but that you fail to notice beauty.

2007-09-21T20:01:00.000-06:00

A sign of the times? I was driving past a Mac's store where a little boy was sitting on the corner. He was seated in a go-cart (something I haven't seen in a long time!!) in one had was a great big slurpee in a red cup with a red straw and in his other hand was a cell phone held up against his ear!

2007-08-28T17:08:00.000-06:00

As the summer comes to a close and we bid farewell to another season of camp life us camp people suffer a condition we refer to as 'returning to the real world'. Imagine, if you will, running full speed in one direction to suddenly stop and turn full speed into another. It's much like being plunged suddenly into cold water and find yourself having a hard time catching your breath. I have found it to be a time of re-finding myself and attempt to figure out what matters. I tend to stand motionless in my living room unsure of exactly how I feel, what matters and what I should be doing. The world looks different. It's almost paralyzing. But then you remember that you have no time to be paralyzed and sprint off in another direction.
Good luck, my dear friends!! Only 10 months until it all starts again!

2007-07-15T19:04:00.001-06:00

In one of the books I read (I think it was Leo Buscaglia quoting someone else) it talked about a tribe who would ask the question of a journey, "Does the path have a heart?" If it does have a heart, then it is good. If not it is the wrong path.
The truth of the matter, friends, is that in the end we will not only be asked why we did what we did, we will also be asked why we did not do what was asked of us. Does your path have a heart? Are you doing what you have been asked to do? Are you fulfilling the quests placed on your heart?
Erwin McMannus in his book Seizing Your Devine Moment suggests that we are not granted a map. We are granted a due north. An idea that we are called to tackle, a place we are called to serve, a people we are called to reach out to.
There are somethings we do not need to ask if we need to do. We already commanded to do. We know deep inside that we are called to do it.
Is there something that God has placed on your heart that you are avoiding? Something that you keep asking for guidance about when the truth is you already know? It's these things we know we must do because they are so hard to accept! These are the things that will change our lives forever.
So I guess the question is do you have the courage to face what it is that has been placed on your heart? Do you have the courage to step out there and take responsibility for your life and what is being asked of you?
The thing is, what if you get to the end of your life and realize that you never did that one thing that was yours to do? What if you got to the point of death and realize that you never really lived at all?
My friends, seek your path. Does it have a heart? Then you must follow! Don't miss you life!

2007-06-13T10:31:00.000-06:00

God's mission in the world and his mission in his relationship with the individual believer is essentially a mission of overcoming self-hatred. For self-hatred is a barrier to love. We hate other people not because we love ourselves too much but because we are not able to love ourselves enough. We fear and distrust them because we feel inadequate in our relationships to them; we hide behind anger and hatred because in some deep recess of our personality we do not think we are good enough for them.

-Andrew Greeley

2007-06-05T21:12:00.000-06:00

Please help me speak the words I long to say.

2007-05-19T23:26:00.000-06:00

A question from a leadership video I watched awhile ago asked, "What is on your mind most often?" It dared to ask what images would we see if we had the power to project images from our minds onto the screen behind the speaker (a scary thought and I am sure we all let out a silent 'Praise God' to the fact that this is not possible!)

You're thinking of it right now, aren't you?

I hated the question. In fact I wanted to flee from the room! (Isn't it amazing how someone can sit and watch a video and to anyone watching they are indeed paying attention and focused on said video when in fact they are screaming inside and using all their power to remain seated and not burst into flames?) It's not that my thoughts have been anything to be ashamed of. The speaker suggested that if we were most like Jesus, it would be people on our minds. I guess I must be doing something right because it was indeed people! The thing is it has been people who I don't know what to do with. It's the people with whom I have fallen out of step with for various reasons. It's the people whom I know I need to reach out to, have hard conversations with. As I watched this video I could hear Papa whispering to me that perhaps the fact that they are sitting so heavily on my heart has more to do with what they need from me and not just that I may just be a little obsessive about the situations and avoiding dealing with them.

I don't want to be someone who turns all rough situations into an excuse. I don't want to lay blame on others or the past. I want to be someone who takes up their follies and faces them, deals with them and moves on after learning a potentially hard lesson. I haven't faced these situations for the most part. In all honesty I have felt overwhelmed with fear regarding them. It has been a season of loss on many levels and to a large degree I have hid underneath a blanket of mourning and fear.

I have a slight abandonment issue. (I use that term loosely: slight). I tend to be one who holds most people at arms length and then wonder why the world is so lonely! It's amazing how we are so afraid of what we want most! In the past few months I have run from several people and not grabbed onto the collars of those who have ran from me. How do you bare what's on your heart? How do I let go of the fear that I would be flat out rejected, misinterpreted or laughed at? And so instead of facing people I shut off. I stop talking. I stopped trying and as I watched that video it nudged at my hard heart until I wanted to weep.

The next question: how do you make up for that? How do you open up and say those hard things? How do you crack open a hard heart and put it out there to risk again?

Seriously friends, if you know that answer, drop me a line!! I can use all the help I can get!! To those whom I haven't been fully honest in baring my heart....well...I am sorry and I hope to get to the place where I can. Guess what happens when you place two cowards in a room together??

2007-04-23T16:17:00.001-06:00

God assured us, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
There are days when it seems like He is all you have to hold onto. Don't let go. Hold on for dear life!

2007-04-20T19:54:00.000-06:00

Words move me. The richness of language speaks to my soul. Poetics, music, song, art...all to be savoured.
These words belong to Anita Diamart from the book 'The Red Tent'
We have been lost to each other for so long. My name means nothing to you. My memory dust. This is not your fault or mine. The chain connecting mother to daughter was broken and the work was left to the keeping of men, who had no way of knowing...
And now you come to me - women with hands and feet as soft as queens, with more cooking pots than you need, so safe in child-beds and so free with your tongues. You come hungry for the story that was lost. You crave words to fill the great silence that swallowed me and my mothers and grandmothers before them.
I wish I had more to tell of my grandmothers. It is terrible how much has been forgotten, which is why, I suppose, remembering seems a holy thing.
I am grateful that you have come. I will pour out everything inside of me so you may leave this table satisfied and fortified. Blessings on your eyes. Blessings on your children. Blessings on the ground beneath you. My heart is a ladle of sweet water, brimming over.
Selah

2007-04-19T19:51:00.000-06:00

I find it amazing how we allow our lives to be sacrificed on the alter of 'busyness'. Some people miss their entire lives while they run to complete their to-do lists! What an amazing gift to wake up to yourself one day and declare that you will begin to finally live; that you will embrace your life, devour it and savour every part! (Joy is easy, but don't be so quick to refuse the blessing of sorrow!!)
The process of waking up often includes the view from that alter. It is from here that we experience the sad realization that we have passed each other by before we have embraced who the other really is. We missed the stories that make people who they are. We so often fail to really see and hear each other. We start to see people as bodies moving through time rather than souls that Christ has brought into our lives to pass on blessing or to be blessed.
Waking up to my life has happened several times and I don't anticipate that will change. How often do we fall back to sleep while living the grind of day to day life? (Father, please keep nudging me awake when I tend to drift away again!!) I am sorry if I missed your story. I know that some I have pushed away while drowning in my own sorrow or excitement; while pushing my own need to be seen or heard. How tragic to get lost in one's own selfishness. I am sorry. I hope that if you ever find your way back to me that I will be able to hear you and share your story.
Your story is you. It is worthy of being shared. Don't let it be missed! There is none like you! If we weren't meant to share stories we'd live on our own little planets! (God had the power to do that, but He put us here: together!)
Accept what Christ brings to you. Sometimes people will come to share their stories. Sometimes they will come to hear yours, but don't miss it!! It is through each other that we are so often offered the opportunity to grow! Allow yourself to know others. Allow others the blessing of knowing you.
I honestly believe that you can learn to love anyone if you could but set aside your judgements of who others may be and really learn to see and hear each other. Imagine how we could touch lives by offering such a gift?!
Please know that just because I might author these words, I, by no means have it all together or figured out. I am but another on the journey brailing my way though the world I find myself in. I do know this much: The alters we so often we lay upon, whether it be selfishness or busyness or addiction or judgement or self-pity - they are life depleting! Oh! To be free of such chains!! Don't miss your life. Don't miss that which Christ longs to bless you with. Don't miss the stories of those He brings to you. Experience life fully!

2007-03-18T19:59:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I lay awake at night pondering the question, is it me who is crazy or is it just that the world around us is so messed up and misguided?

2007-03-17T13:31:00.001-06:00

To those of you who, like me, have grown up as children of divorce I encourage you to pick up the book 'The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce' By Judith Wallerstien (and a few others). It's a 25 year landmark study that followed the same kids over a 25 year period after their parents split up. I can't begin to tell you how much it helps to know that you're normal!! (I would also encourage anyone in relationship with said persons to take a gander at it.)
It is sad and tragic the lasting effect that divorce can have on kids. It really is true: a child learns what they live. People, our children appear highly resilient, but they carry (usually silently) the effects of their childhood their entire lives!

2007-03-14T19:14:00.002-06:00

If you can capture people's attention you hold great power to move them; to change them; to alter their thinking. You can provoke anger, comfort, hate, love, lies....
Remember the wisdom Peter Parker's Uncle Ben: With great power comes great responsibility.
When you hold someone's ear you have the power to touch their heart, which the Bible tells us to protect (Guard your heart above all else,for it determines the course of your life. Prov. 4:23). It's something we should never take lightly. Words can both heal and kill.
Protect your heart. Protect your mind. Protect your faith. Take nothing (and no one) at face value. Dive deep and seek out truth. No man can create truth as much as we might like to; as much as we hate to be wrong. Truth can be created by none but God. People are fallible. You and I and even Oprah herself. False prophets don't necessarily set out to preach falsely. From a distance truth can look questionable and facts can shift their shapes. How often do we accept strong-minded opinions as facts? How many times have 'facts' become myths? Once upon a time it was a 'fact' that the sun rotated around our flat planet which sat in the center of the universe and if you didn't believe it you could wind up dead for your 'wrong' opinion of a widely known 'fact'.
What it comes down to is that we need to train ourselves to think and not just accept.

2007-03-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

I once read in a book, 'When nothing is left but love, you realize for the first time, love is enough.' I like that for God is love. I have been realizing lately that 'hope' might fit into the same category.

2007-02-16T23:08:00.004-07:00

How different would my life be if the judgements I have placed on the world around me were stripped away? How different would the world look if we allowed situations and people to speak for themselves rather than seeing them through that which we perceive? Oh, to not be so human!!

2007-02-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

On a video I was watching for inspiration a short story was shared of two guys having a conversation: One says to the other, 'I have a question I'd like to ask God.' and the other asks, 'Well, what is it?'
The first replies, 'I'd like to ask God why He allows all this pain and sorrow and suffering in this world?' And his friend asks, 'Well, why don't you ask Him?'
The guys says, 'I guess I'm scared.' 'Of what?'
'I am scared that God will ask me the same question.'

2007-02-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever discovered something that helped you make more sense of yourself? It's as if something that has always appeared as broken comes across for the first time as simply a little bent. There is hope - perhaps I am normal and those things I've passed off as crazy 'shelleyisms' connect with where I am from. We are, after all pieces of everything we have ever experienced - from Sesame Street to family break up to the last conversation you had with someone to this moment where you are allowing me to step into your story.
I am currently reading a book (and have been for awhile!) that is a study on children of divorce. The author studied a group of children from the time their parents divorced until 15 years after. This is the follow-up study of her previous books where the kids are at the 25 year mark.
This year marks my 24th. It ends up I am pretty much a text book case in many ways. I just wish I could have known what I have been learning several years ago. I wish I could have made more sense of those things I would rather hide than face - especially when it comes to other people. I am confident that the more we can learn about ourselves the more we can stretch and grow. Also the more we can learn about ourselves, the more we can accept who we (and other people) are.
I have learned, for example that I have always needed more than just silence to grant me room to express my emotions; my heart. I've needed permission. It didn't matter what I felt growing up. I always thought I was in the way (typical, I have learned of children of divorce). There wasn't time or space for that. There commonly isn't in homes where getting by is the main concern. There isn't time to feed dreams, to catch what's under the radar or recognize small accomplishments. I learned how to hide. I learned that even if people say they care, they can disappear from your world in a blink of an eye and so I always knew that I was the only one I could count on and it was better to pack light.
The thing is you can unlearn what you have learned if you are willing to see it and accept it as your own. But when you grow up learning something - when it is as basic as your abc's, it can be hard to recover from. It isn't an overnight process.
I guess what I am trying to say is, please have patience with me. I am a work in progress. The thing is since I know that about me, I can assume that you, as well, have things that you are learning and things that you recovering from and I promise to try and have patience with you too. There is hope. As Andrea Boydston said, "If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance."
Don't give up and keep exploring. You, yourself are a great and worthy adventure.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT

2007-01-23T21:34:00.001-07:00

- Mark Heard

I get lonely sometimes It's not your fault I'm a man who follows his own tracks until he's lost I'll keep on going round and round until I'm found
I get wounded sometimes It's not your fault I keep on shooting arrows up until they fall They stall and turn, a narrow miss until I learn
It's not you, I'll be okay, I'm just a jerk is all It's alright, it's just my foolishness It's not your fault
I get helpless sometimes It's not your fault I just tend to tug on heartstrings til they break A thug who wins a kiss and misses finer things
I get angry sometimes It's not your fault I let the molehill simmer like Vesuvius And hole up in Pompeii until all hell breaks loose
It's not you, I'll be okay, I'm just a jerk is all It's alright, it's just my foolishness It's not your fault

2007-01-21T22:05:00.000-07:00

The Art

Acting is about encompassing the truth of the reality created by the author of the script. It's about inviting the audience on a journey not convincing them you are something you are not - that is lying. As an actor, if you are not providing that truth you are engaging in a game of make believe which your are choosing to inflict upon the audience. You are but a poor fool of a player neglecting their need to be moved; to be inspired. These people have come to you to feed into their lives. Never take your role lightly!
As Leonard Cohen says, 'Don't be a magician, be magic!'

My Truths

2007-01-11T15:29:00.001-07:00

20 little things about me that you may not know:
1. Some of my childhood career dreams: teacher (when you're five your knowledge of career opportunities is a little limited), astronaut, baseball player, camp counselor, actor, director, singer, painter, writer
2. I'm the baby of the family. I mean the entire family.
3. My carpet as a child was orange shag. That explains a lot doesn't it?
4. Although we don't speak, there is a photo next to my bed of my brother and me when we were little.
5. I am a grandparent orphan
6. The best friends I ever had, I had in high school: Duncan and Scott
7. I long to live on Vancouver island - the celt in me needs to be close to water
8. My favorite verse of the Bible is John 11:35
9. I never sleep through the night without waking several times
10. I was at Time Square New Year's Eve 1995
11. I have a fear of revolving doors and automatic car washes. And being lifted up. I hate being lifted up - I automatically start yelling, "I am going to die, I am going to die, help me I am going to die!"
12. I am a very long way from being a pack rat. I find peace in throwing things away.
13. I also find peace of driving alone in the country.
14. I am the worst snow boarder in the world (and yet am still willing to try again!!)
15. I hate being disappointed so much I will envision the worst possible outcome so I am either prepared or pleasantly suprised.
16. Inside I am a vagabond who longs to roam
17. Annie was my childhood hero (Well, her and Punky Brewster)
18. I'd rather hide than risk being a nuisance.
19. I make my bed every day
20. I still feel the need to find a swingset when there is a full moon.

January 8, 2007

2007-01-09T21:13:00.001-07:00

I am so broken tonight. I am weary and passionless. I fear I don't know who my friends are anymore. I fear I have pushed everyone away and don't know how to turn back. I am wandering aimlessly through a canyon so deep I am sure no one can see me nor hear my cries. Vultures circle overhead, fighting over what's left of my hope.
I yet I come to You, Papa. Although I put my human expectations on You and wait to find You unavailable, You remain true to Your promises. Every page I turn to of Your word states it again - Your unfailing love for me. Every night you tuck me in with the thought that I am not as much of an orphan as this world leads me to believe. You see me in the valley. The slightest whisper of my heart doesn't go unnoticed.
I need You, Papa. I don't know which way to turn. Guide me. Grant me the truths that I am missing. Help me to hold tight to You through this rough road.
Thank You, Papa.

June 24, 2004

2007-01-03T16:13:00.001-07:00

Tonight has a peacefulness to it. Old ghosts lie still. At this moment they are but the vehicles that brought me to this place and the evening is a contented one.
The world is green - so green I want to inhale it's richness and save it deep within. The smell of summer enchants me so and I long to lay down close to the earth and sleep in it's peace.
Nothing needs to be argued tonight; nothing needs to be considered or worried about. Tomorrow will wait until morning and yesterday has no say in this moment.
It's times like these that I know Papa is near and I can rest in His arms. I can smell His nearness. I can trust His truth. Yes, He loves me. I can feel His arms around me and know that I am His little girl. His precious little girl.

2007-01-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

I am still looking for something that I can neither find nor identify, but I know it's missing. Please let me know if you find it.

2006-12-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

I do believe that this has been one of the hardest seasons that I have encountered as a Christian. I stand firm in my belief that we become stronger, wiser and more beautiful after walking through the fire and therefore I can see the reason for this season. It's my faith that has carried me through- I know that Papa is here with me encouraging me onward. It's been hard - it's been rather lonely and I am baffled to the point of not knowing what's a dream and what's reality when facing those moments that all the events become somewhat overwhelming.

April 28, 2001
(I am not sure who wrote it - I didn't include the author)
"The journey involves bringing our wounded heart before God, a heart that is full of rage, overwhelmed with doubt, bloodied but unbroken, rebellious, stained and lonely. It does not seem possible that anyone can handle, let alone embrace our wounded and sinful heart. But the path involves the risk of putting into words the conditions of our inner being and placing those words before God for His response. The Lord has promised He will not put out the flax or break the broken reed (Isaiah 42:3) But promises have been made before by a supposedly trustworthy person and we swore betrayal was the last we would ever allow our soul to experience. The obstacle to life is the conviction that God will damage and destroy us. The problem is that the path does involve His hurting us, but only in order to heal us."

2006-12-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

-Mother Teresa

2006-12-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

I have hope that one day Christmas will be easier, that I'll look forward to the season. This year I would be more than happy if it didn't come at all. Christmases have never been easy, but this year the only constant in all my Christmases will not be there to fulfill the few traditions we have. Only my stocking will be filled and pinned shut. No one will knock on my wall to wake me up (even if I were already up).
I am hoping for a Christmas miracle (Is that even allowed? Am I allowed to ask for that?). I just need something amazing. I don't even know what. I don't need gifts, I want for nothing material. Just a miracle. That's all.
Help me to believe.

2006-12-19T22:19:00.001-07:00

I am just so tired.

2006-12-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those days where you end up standing in a space void of everyone not knowing what to do next. Your thoughts fall out of your loose grip onto the floor and no matter how much you might want to, the energy to bend over to pick them up seems to be lacking. It probably doesn't matter all that much - they're just the same questions I've asked over and over again lately.

January 2,2003
There are times when you awake to your reality as if you are waking slowly from a dream. A fog begins to lift and you see things differently for a time.
The thing is you've been 'awake' all your life, but it's as if stepping into a life that isn't your own - you can't understand the choices that brought you to where you are. Things look familiar, but only in part. Anything previous to the present situations seem far away - an earlier book in the series.
And so here you stand, the only thought in your head: Where in the world am I and how did I get here?"

2006-12-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting for something. Just what, I am unsure of, but I am holding tight to the hope that I'll know it when it comes. I look everywhere, yet know that it would be easier to find if I could recognize this ache - this driving force; this invisible dangling carrot before me. I keep thinking it should be obvious - it should be simpler and I should be able to understand that which is growing inside of me. Something amazing is taking place within me. I can feel it. Perhaps if my head and my heart spoke the same language I could comprehend. I take comfort in the fact that my heart belongs to Papa and therefore I can trust that it is in good hands. (Oh! but to understand!)

2006-12-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

"The journey is the thing" - Homer
Your heart is free. Have the courage to follow it.

2006-12-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

There is so much inside of me screaming to get out. There are so many directions it wants to go that I figure it would perhaps be better to keep my mouth shut or I'll throw daggers in the wrong direction when I mean to simply state the truths of my heart. As hard as that can be to understand. Sometimes it's hard to tell just where the shots that tore you open came from.
We are the collection of every story we have ever heard. Our judgments come from where we have been, but maybe we haven't been to the right places to make the judgments we do.
Oh! If only we could see each other beyond our own judgments of who each of us are. How different would you look if I could get beyond myself; beyond my own world of judgments? Maybe I am not what you thought I was either. How sad that we can think we are so close to each other and never know each other at all?
'You had a life time to learn how to love each other. Where did the time go?'
I long to know the you of you. I long to share who I am with those who want to know. And perhaps in the process we can learn a little more about ourselves and the world around us. Perhaps if we can shed the judgments and see each other pure, we can spread that into the world around us and start a new phenomenon. Come, let us change the world.

2006-12-05T21:42:00.000-07:00

Aren't you ever afraid that your perspective might not be reality? Perhaps we need to step outside of ourselves from time to time and seek to see the world from another point of view. Perhaps we might find that people are acting in love and we just took it the wrong way. After all 'life is 10% what happens and 90% what we do with it'.

I once heard a line in a song that has never left me and I think I only heard it once: If you could see yourself as others do, you would wish you were as beautiful as you.

April 14, 2001

2006-12-05T21:26:00.001-07:00

A song by Bruce Cockburn:

Heavy northern autumn sky, dark spruce, bright maple and the great lake rolling forever to the narrow grey beach. I look west along the red road of the frail sun to where it hovers between shelf of cloud and spiky trees receiving the shore. The world is full of seasons, of anguish, of laughter and it comes to mind to write you this: nothing is sure, nothing is pure and no matter who you think you are everybody gets the chance to be nothing. Love is supposed to heal, but it breaks my heart to hear the pain in your voice. But, you know, it's all going somewhere and I would crush my heart and throw it in the street if I could pay for your choice. Isn't that what friends are for? We're the insect life of paradise, crawling across a leaf, firm among towering blades of grass, glimpsing only sometimes the amazing breath of heaven. You are loved as you were before the strangeness swept through our bodies, our houses, our streets when we could speak without codes, lights swearing around like windblown petals of fate. I've been scraping little shavings off my ration of light, forming it into a ball and each time I pack a little bit more onto it. I make a bowl with my hands and I scoop it from it's secret cash under a loose board in the floor and I blow across it and I send it to you against those moments when the darkness blows across your door. Isn't that what friends are for?

2006-12-04T04:03:00.000-07:00

Is there any sin worse than when we allow ourselves to believe satan's lies about us before we will accept the truth about Christ's love for us? How twisted is our world that we will accept such lies as logical and pass by one another's love for each other? We would rather die of loneliness then accept the 'everyday miracles' of those He puts into our lives.

2006-12-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's not that everyone went after you with a spear in hand. Just because you assume something doesn't make it true. Just because something might not look nice doesn't mean that it's a monster. Maybe it's not the whole world that's bad, maybe your perspective is a little skewed.

2006-11-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you ever read this. I don't know if you ever think of me, wonder how I am doing. I do miss you like you wouldn't believe. It breaks me that I don't know what to do with that. I feel so powerless. Is the war almost over? Does anyone even know what's being fought for? Is it worth it? Aren't people worth fighting for? Aren't I?

2006-11-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's all just words. Just a string of letters and sounds: Nothingness.

Until you let them in and allow them to touch you, to change you.

Then they become magic.

October 22, 2000

2006-11-28T22:06:00.001-07:00

A letter to God: I'm in a van on the way from Rocky Mountain House to Innisfail. I've done this trip before. It does feel somewhat strange however, the setting is the same, but the characters surrounding me have changed as if in a dream.
God, my Papa, I desire to write in a profoundly practical manner, pretending that I am any amount wise or knowledgeable, but I can not hide from You. Thank you that I don't have to attempt to impress You or show off to You.
I was comforted by something Lyle said last summer as we were prepping for the Fringe. (That was such a hard show for all of us to do!) He reminded us that You were present always - that You were there in those times that my memories still refuse to abandon; the ones that still haunt me from time to time. You were watching over me. I just didn't know You so personally yet (if ever we really do while we are down here).
I am having a hard time writing this letter. I've done this before but lately I've been having a hard time feeling connected to You. I feel...A distance. I feel like my prayers dribble off my lips into nothingness. Even thought I know that You are here holding me I feel separate from You and that separates me from everything else - myself and the world around me. Please help me to write this letter.
My earliest memories of You are as a child when I would lay in bed, alone in the darkness where no one could hear me pray. (I could see this in my mind's eye during Leah's story the other day). I could feel You back then - so close. I wasn't fully aware of You, but You held me and I knew You were there. Something bigger than myself protecting me. You were there in the times I would hide in my closet seeking comfort; seeking a safe place from the anger that surrounded me. It hung off the walls and darkened the bright yellow house I grew up in.
I remember You on the far side of the gully over looking the town when I was sixteen. I'd fled there in anger and frustration - did I even grab shoes? I don't remember. I was done - I was finished - I was so mad and so hurt! I looked up to the sky to take You on. I demanded to know why!
And then there You were. In the midst of my agony, there was calm, even joy. You put Your arms around me and held me. I wept and laughed at the same time.
It was during those nights; those times when my world seemed darkest - when I was all alone and would cry so hard I'd shake that I would pray for You to allow me to sleep. I'd pray because I felt You. I always felt like I was praying to someone else's God who had a special place for me, the underdog. It was as if I were slipping in the back door of an exclusive club without paying the cover charge. There I would find comfort. You'd let me sleep and I'd wake up in the morning thankful I'd made it through another night.
Thank you, Papa. There are no words to express it, but thank you.

2006-11-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

I feel like it's a terrible thing to admit. I feel like admitting it makes me weak. But I would hate for the people I care about to not be able to admit it, so maybe it's really what I need to do.

I just really need someone to step into my life who will care enough to ask, "What happened back there, Shelley? What broke you so much?" and be there for the answer.

That might seem simple, but only once did someone ask. It's hard to think that someone out there holds that piece of me and is long gone.

2006-11-19T17:57:00.001-07:00

How could I have possibly forget what this feels like?

November 18, 2006

2006-11-18T21:44:00.001-07:00

I have for the past few weeks been not well in my soul. I have been frustrated by God's apparent absence and the loneliness of believing I am facing the world on my own. I have been mad at what I have considered as my role to play amongst His people: Am expected to be there for everyone; is it was my job to walk with those He brings into my life and yet have nowhere to set my own pack down for awhile? It is a season of disharmony inside my being.
I have been asking what makes me so unloveable - why can no one care for me to a point where even my own family can walk out on me? Is it that I carry myself with such a sense of independence that everyone figures I need no one? (Perhaps my acting training has turned against me) Is it that I am so afraid of letting people close that I hold them at arm's length?
Recently I spent a day alone with Papa. No phone, no computer, no one but me. I crawled through events that shaped the way I thought of myself and the world around me. Events that taught me that I was stupid, that I was untrusted, that I wasn't enough, that I was in the way, that I was an embarrassment, ashamed of, unloveable, unworthy. I was left being ashamed of my body, of my creativity, being told I was a "selfish bitch" and easily forgotten and replaced. I learned when I was five that I was all alone here and so I better be able to make it on my own. I believed that there was no sense trusting anyone as they would just leave me in the end and I lived my life being terrified that I would never be loved and die alone forgotten and unloved.
Whoa - that's a lot to carry!! There are times when I have been able to turn off the tapes that play in my head and forge onward, but before long they start to play again and I become powerless to do anything. It's times like these that our view of both our God and ourselves becomes distorted by the such. Obviously this has been one one those times in my life.
I was very calm as I crawled through everything today - that was not what I was expecting. I was expecting God to come and break me and then build me up again. Instead it was the two of us sitting down, looking at the lies that have held me and what the truth of the matter really is.
I picked up the book Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. The place where I left off the last time I was re-reading it was marked by a nail. The same nail the I stepped on while I was walking barefoot through a prayer labyrinth at camp a summer ago (it hurt, but didn't puncture the skin) dealing with the same memory that broke me when I was five. Brennen helped me to remember who I really am.
I started reading on the page marked:
The ordinary self is the extraordinary self - the inconspicuous nobody who shivers in the cold of winter and sweats in the heat of summer, who wakes up unreconciled to the new day, who sits before a stack of pancakes, weaves through traffic, bangs around in the basement, shops in the supermarket, pulls weeds and rakes up leaves, makes love and snowballs, flies kites and listens to the sound of rain on the roof.
while the imposter draws his identity from past achievements and the adulation of others, the true self claims identity in it's belovedness. We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences but in our simple presence in life.
Writing to a New York intellectual and close friends, Henri Nouwen stated, "All I want to say to you is, "You are the Beloved," and all I hope is that you can hear these words as spoken to you with all the tenderness and force that love can hold. My only desire is to make these words reverberate in every corner of your being - 'You are the Beloved.'" Anchored in theirs reality, our true self needs neither a muted trumpet to herald our arrival nor a gaudy soupbox to rivet attention from others. We give glory to God simply by being ourselves.
'Shelley, you are the Beloved.' Wow. I really needed to hear that. All that has happened to me does not make me into what all the lies have been telling me. I need to be reminded of that often. 'You are much more than your collection of unhappy memories. You are much more than what you might do for other people. You are worth much more than that because you belong to Me. Accept your position. You have never fully accepted your place as My child!'
Oh, Papa!! Forgive me!
Manning went on to share a story of Mike Yaocnelli, the cofounder of Youth Specialties as he went on a retreat at L'Arche (the Ark) community:

He went hoping to draw inspiration from the mentally and physically handicapped people who lived there or find solace in the presence and preaching of Henri Nouwen. Instead he found his true self. He tells his story:
It took only a few hours of silence to hear my soul speaking. It took only being alone for a short period of time for me to discover I wasn't alone. God had been trying to shout over the noisiness of my life and I couldn't hear Him. But in the stillness and solitude, his whispers shouted from my soul, "Michael, I am here. I have been calling to you, but you haven't been listening. Can you hear me, Michael? I love you. I have always loved you. And I have been waiting for you to hear me say that to you. But you have been so busy trying to prove to yourself you are loved that you have not heard me."
I heard Him, and my slumbering soul was filled with the joy of the prodigal son. My soul was awakened by a loving Father who had been looking and waiting for me. Finally, I accepted my brokenness... I had never come to terms with that. Let me explain. I knew I was broken. I knew I was a sinner. I knew that I continually disappointed God, but I could never accept that part of me. It was a part of me that embarrassed me. I continually felt the need to apologize, to run from my weakness, to deny who I was and concentrate on what I should be. I was broken, yes, but I was continually trying never to be broken again - or at least to get to the place where I was seldom broken....
At L'Arche, it became very clear to me that I had totally misunderstood the Christian faith. I came to see that it was in my brokenness, in my powerlessness, in my weakness that Jesus was made strong. It was in the acceptance of my lack of faith that God could give me faith. It was in the embracing of my brokenness that I could identify with other's brokenness. It was my role to identify with other's pain, to relieve it. Ministry was sharing, not dominating; understanding, not theologizing; caring, not fixing.
What does all this mean?
I don't know....and to be quite blunt, that is the wrong question. I only know that at certain times in all of our lives, we make and adjustment in the course of our lives. This was one of those times for me. If you were to look at a map of my life, you would not be aware of any noticeable difference other than a slight change in direction. I can only tell you that for the first time in my life I can hear Jesus whisper to me every day, "Michael, I love you. You are beloved." And for some strange reason, that seems to be enough.

Before I sign off for the night I want to share another story Manning included in his book. I also want to invite you to respond to what I've written. Let me know I'm not alone.
Manning writes:
It is like the story of the hurried executive who went out to the desert father and complained about his frustration in prayer, his flawed virtue and his failed relationships. The hermit listened closely to his visitor's rehearsal of struggle and disappointments in trying to lead a Christian life. He then went into the dark recesses of his cave and came out with a basin and a pitcher of water.
"Now watch the water as I pour it into the basin," he said. The water splashed on the bottom and against the sides of the container. It was agitated and turbulent. At first the stirred up water swirled around the inside of the basin; then it gradually began to settle, until finally the small fast ripples evolved into larger swells that oscillated back and forth. Eventually, the surface became so smooth that the visitor could see his face in the placid water. "That is the way it is when you live constantly in the midst of others," said the hermit. "You do not see yourself as you really are because of all the confusion and disturbance. You fail to recognize the divine presence in your life and the consciousness of your belovedness slowly fades."

2006-11-17T11:03:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I just get so homesick.

2006-11-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

I think perhaps I can't live in a world at peace with everyone at once. Is that it? There must be a minimum amount of people not speaking to me at any given time. Anyone want to move towards a truce? Please? I hate feeling like this.

November 12, 2006

2006-11-12T14:58:00.001-07:00

I bought the new Jars of Clay disc the other day.

Little did I know it would speak to me as much as it does!!

There is a River (JofC)

There is a river that washes you clean. There is a tree that marks the places you've been. Blood that was spilled, although not your own. For all of your tears are the wages of things you've done. And all of those nights spent alone in the darkness of your mind. Give it up, let go. These are things you were never meant to shoulder. There is a river that washes you clean. There is a tree that marks the places you've been. Blood that was spilled, although not your own. For all of those tears, love will atone. So give it up the right to control the waves that empty out your life. Above wild skies are the rays that break the shadows we design. Give it up, let it go. These are things you were never meant to shoulder. Give it up, let it go. There is a river that washes you clean. There is a tree that marks the places you've been. Blood that was spilled, although not your own. For all of these things, love will atone. I know the world can turn in different ways. Most of the time we're simply hanging on. And under the signs of how we all behave. We might find the place that we belong. For all of those nights that you cried all alone. All of your tears, love will atone.

Work

2006-11-10T20:33:00.001-07:00

Work - Jars of Clay

just in case i will leave my things packed

so i can run away

i cannot trust these voices

i don't have a line of prospects that can give some kind of peace

there is nothing left to cling to that can bring me sweet release

i have no fear of drowning

it's the breathing that's taking all this work

do you know what i mean when i say 'i don't want to be alone'?

when i say 'i don't want to be alone'

empty spaces with shadows hit by streetlights

warning signs and weight of tired conversations

in the absence of a shoulder in the absence of a thief

on the brink of this distruction on the eve of bittersweet

now all the demons look like prophets and i'm living out

every word they speak every word they speak

do you know what i mean when i say 'i don't want to be alone'?

what i mean when i say 'i don't want to be alone'

alone alone i don't want to be alone

i have no fear of drowning

it's the breathing that's taking all this work