Lord, I am afraid of what I feel you might be saying to me. (It's hard - so often Your voice sounds so much like my over active imagination) I know I don't have the strength to be what you want me to be. I know that such strength can only come from You. I didn't choose this and if I had it to choose from, this choice would I not make. I don't really understand it. I don't know how to digest it. I can't write it and even if there was someone here to lean on, I am unsure I 'd really be able to speak it. I want someone to walk up to me and tell me the truth of it. I want them to tell me they know the answers and let it all make sense. Then I could maybe accept it and serve You with it.
Papa, I need you to feed me hope - I am running on fumes. I need faith from you; love. I am lacking and my spirit is suffering. I am feeling sick in my soul. I feel weak.
There is a battle for my soul right now. I can feel it. I don't want to be here in it alone. Even though I know that even if I wanted to I could never leave you, Papa, but the temptation is to bolt - to hide from You and what You might want from me.
I have been trying to pretend that these temptations have not been haunting me; that satan has not been singing lala songs in my head. he wants me to take the easy road. he wants me to believe that I am unworthy and unlovable and I have been bowing to him in that while he stands and smiles. How dare I? I have been giving into the "little" temptiations he's been throwing at me. I have been judging others (and myself) harshly. I have been allowing myself to avoid others who need me in my loneliness.
I am having a hard time keeping running right now (in fact falling flat on my face at times). I am having a hard time believing that You love me enough to hear me, that I am not worthy to be Yours.
And how you must weep at that.
That is not want You want for me; from me. Please, help me to stand. I choose you, Father, Papa. Not me, not fear, not lies!
I am sorry for my lack of strength. I am sorry that I have been standing here with my hands over my eyes begging for sight. I am sorry that I have been believing the lies that beat me down. I am so sorry, Papa. Please fill me. Move me again. If this is indeed the role you want me to fill, so be it. I am Yours. I accept - even if it is as lonely a place as I fear it may be, I accept. Please chase away my fears. Show me what to do with it. Teach me, Papa. My life is Yours. None but Yours. Clean me out and fill me up again. Let's take on the world.
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