Lesser Moments

I am so very relieved that I have a God who is willing to call me on my crap!

I love that, in my lesser moments, when I am not responding as the person I know I want to be, He will gently remind me that I need not be so melodramatic and offer to show me again the truth I already know.

I do hate that I will, in my lesser moments, attempt to pick a fight with God in hopes of somehow demanding that I should get my own way. I will attempt to lay out a collection of loss and failure as evidence that proves that I have somehow earned a divine blessing, thus receiving what I think should be owed.

Though I will save the real rant for another day, I often attribute this notion of entitlement to our culture’s addiction to Hollywood. Our TV shows and movies often suggest that by surviving hardships we have earned both the right to blanket ourselves in self-pity as well as divine blessings that should be paid out as we deem suitable. We have somehow bought into this idea and carried it over to real life, shaking our fists at God when things don’t play out as we may want or expect.

I wish I could say that I am above that. I’m not.

I found myself playing the self-pity game with Papa the other night. I was busy pouring out my heart, piling my sorrows on the table for Him to look at. Naturally, He is a gentleman and let me rattle on for a while (because in our lesser moments we actually like to be so melodramatic). When I was finished I turned to look up at Him with (pathetic) puppy dog eyes, waiting for some pity and He gently gave me that knowing look - the one that holds so much truth. Then He quietly slid His arm across the table, pushing all I poured out off the table to the floor where it disappeared without a sound!! Papa quietly reminded me that none of that had to exist any more; that He had wiped the pallet clean.

As much of a relief as that was I still looked to see if there may be a moment of pity to justify wrapping myself in sadness for a while longer (why do we desire to do that?!). I reminded Him that I was tired; that it has been such a long journey this past while and that I didn’t have the strength to face the battles still waiting to be fought.

(I am embarrassed as I think about this tonight: was I really saying to God – the Creator of the Universe - that I deserved to get what I want; that with it I would have the strength to do what I know He has called me to? How often do we attempt to appeal to God because we think we can inform Him of something He didn’t already know as if we were smarter than Him? Did I really expect Him to turn and say, “Gee, Shelley, you’re right! I never saw it like that before! Here, take what you want.”?)

He looked me in the eye for a moment before saying, “Of course you have the strength – you are my child! My blood runs through your veins! Don’t ever forget that!”

While I attempted to limp up to God, asking Him to pour His pity over me because I was busy feeling sorry for myself, what I deserved was a smack in the back of the head and to be put back in my place! Instead, He gently listened to my whining and responded with grace and love as He picked me up, brushed me off and renewed me with His own strength!

How amazing is that God?! Yeah, that is my God and worthy of my life!! 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. ~ 2 Tim. 1:7