October 22, 2000

A letter to God: I'm in a van on the way from Rocky Mountain House to Innisfail. I've done this trip before. It does feel somewhat strange however, the setting is the same, but the characters surrounding me have changed as if in a dream.
God, my Papa, I desire to write in a profoundly practical manner, pretending that I am any amount wise or knowledgeable, but I can not hide from You. Thank you that I don't have to attempt to impress You or show off to You.
I was comforted by something Lyle said last summer as we were prepping for the Fringe. (That was such a hard show for all of us to do!) He reminded us that You were present always - that You were there in those times that my memories still refuse to abandon; the ones that still haunt me from time to time. You were watching over me. I just didn't know You so personally yet (if ever we really do while we are down here).
I am having a hard time writing this letter. I've done this before but lately I've been having a hard time feeling connected to You. I feel...A distance. I feel like my prayers dribble off my lips into nothingness. Even thought I know that You are here holding me I feel separate from You and that separates me from everything else - myself and the world around me. Please help me to write this letter.
My earliest memories of You are as a child when I would lay in bed, alone in the darkness where no one could hear me pray. (I could see this in my mind's eye during Leah's story the other day). I could feel You back then - so close. I wasn't fully aware of You, but You held me and I knew You were there. Something bigger than myself protecting me. You were there in the times I would hide in my closet seeking comfort; seeking a safe place from the anger that surrounded me. It hung off the walls and darkened the bright yellow house I grew up in.
I remember You on the far side of the gully over looking the town when I was sixteen. I'd fled there in anger and frustration - did I even grab shoes? I don't remember. I was done - I was finished - I was so mad and so hurt! I looked up to the sky to take You on. I demanded to know why!
And then there You were. In the midst of my agony, there was calm, even joy. You put Your arms around me and held me. I wept and laughed at the same time.
It was during those nights; those times when my world seemed darkest - when I was all alone and would cry so hard I'd shake that I would pray for You to allow me to sleep. I'd pray because I felt You. I always felt like I was praying to someone else's God who had a special place for me, the underdog. It was as if I were slipping in the back door of an exclusive club without paying the cover charge. There I would find comfort. You'd let me sleep and I'd wake up in the morning thankful I'd made it through another night.
Thank you, Papa. There are no words to express it, but thank you.