A question from a leadership video I watched awhile ago asked, "What is on your mind most often?" It dared to ask what images would we see if we had the power to project images from our minds onto the screen behind the speaker (a scary thought and I am sure we all let out a silent 'Praise God' to the fact that this is not possible!)

You're thinking of it right now, aren't you?

I hated the question. In fact I wanted to flee from the room! (Isn't it amazing how someone can sit and watch a video and to anyone watching they are indeed paying attention and focused on said video when in fact they are screaming inside and using all their power to remain seated and not burst into flames?) It's not that my thoughts have been anything to be ashamed of. The speaker suggested that if we were most like Jesus, it would be people on our minds. I guess I must be doing something right because it was indeed people! The thing is it has been people who I don't know what to do with. It's the people with whom I have fallen out of step with for various reasons. It's the people whom I know I need to reach out to, have hard conversations with. As I watched this video I could hear Papa whispering to me that perhaps the fact that they are sitting so heavily on my heart has more to do with what they need from me and not just that I may just be a little obsessive about the situations and avoiding dealing with them.

I don't want to be someone who turns all rough situations into an excuse. I don't want to lay blame on others or the past. I want to be someone who takes up their follies and faces them, deals with them and moves on after learning a potentially hard lesson. I haven't faced these situations for the most part. In all honesty I have felt overwhelmed with fear regarding them. It has been a season of loss on many levels and to a large degree I have hid underneath a blanket of mourning and fear.

I have a slight abandonment issue. (I use that term loosely: slight). I tend to be one who holds most people at arms length and then wonder why the world is so lonely! It's amazing how we are so afraid of what we want most! In the past few months I have run from several people and not grabbed onto the collars of those who have ran from me. How do you bare what's on your heart? How do I let go of the fear that I would be flat out rejected, misinterpreted or laughed at? And so instead of facing people I shut off. I stop talking. I stopped trying and as I watched that video it nudged at my hard heart until I wanted to weep.

The next question: how do you make up for that? How do you open up and say those hard things? How do you crack open a hard heart and put it out there to risk again?

Seriously friends, if you know that answer, drop me a line!! I can use all the help I can get!! To those whom I haven't been fully honest in baring my heart....well...I am sorry and I hope to get to the place where I can. Guess what happens when you place two cowards in a room together??