Vulnerability - One of the Crazy Paradoxes of Our Lives!

God is moving in powerful ways within me. He is pointing out things we need to work on together and He’s asking me hard questions that cause me to look deep into myself to answer. The questions often surprise me, as they tend to lead to answers I didn’t realize about myself and how I see the world. He is asking me to open up, see myself as He does and trust Him to grow me into the woman He wants me to be.

Yes, God has something big planned! It’s exciting and it’s terrifying and I can’t wait!

Today I was discussing vulnerability with a friend – a topic you can’t dive deep into unless you are willing to be vulnerable! We have had some similar life situations and found (not surprisingly) that we fight some similar ghosts. Ghosts we both would like to destroy. So armed with courage and determination we began to analyze this topic that can only be stood up to by entering into!

People in general tend to view vulnerability as a bad thing. Wikipedia defines it as, “the inability to withstand the effects of a hostile environment... The term can also refer to a person who lets their guard down, leaving themselves open to censure or criticism. Vulnerability refers to a person's state of being liable to succumb to manipulation, persuasion, temptation etc.”

So my friend and I began by looking at why people would want to avoid vulnerability. This was the easy part – no one wants a broken heart. We don’t want to give something to someone who may not see is as valuable. When we offer pieces of ourselves that appear to go unnoticed or unwanted we can be left feeling rejected and unworthy. Why would we want to attempt to offer such a thing again? The concussion? Don’t risk it. Toughen up. Trust only leads to pain. It is a matter of self-preservation. In this case vulnerability would appear to be something not worth spending one's self on. Instead it might be better to save one's self up only to be spent on someone who proves to be worthy of the risk. After all I am supposed to "guard (my) heart”, right? After all, it’s biblical!! (Ummm... before you hold to that know we will look at that in another posting - scripture taken out of context is not trustworthy!)

As we continued on this little analysis I began to consider what such fear of vulnerability suggests we might think of other people in general. While we are saddened when our friends tell us about past hurts that they walked through alone we are saddened – didn’t they know we would have been there to walk with them through it? Sometimes we are even angry with them, as if we somehow had a right to their pain (yes, people are silly). This suggests that we believe that we are worth to be trusted with other people’s hearts but no others are not trustworthy with ours. Oh my, how we dare to judge!

Now, what if we decide that vulnerability should be avoided at all costs? What would the world look like? Would love even be possible outside of chasing after selfish desires? No. Could you build a friendship with someone who won’t answer the question ‘how are you?’ with anything besides a ‘fine’? If there is no depth to a relationship will it endure? Probably not. If we want to ever live as anything besides hermits we need to be willing to let people in. The thing is we all have stains and dents. We are all damaged goods so why are we so very desperate to hide the fact that we’re human? Really, it is no surprise to anyone!!

It is a funny thing – I am usually quite an open person. My testimony is a tool I often use while teaching but I can struggle with sharing the same pieces of it when talking openly one on one with someone I am not mentoring. I can talk about my brokenness and struggles – after the fact. To let someone in to my snot-faced, tear-streaked brokenness in the moment is a rare thing! Yet, a few months ago while facing several difficult situations at one time there were a few people who burst in to my brokenness – and I know them well enough to know any refusal on my behalf would have meant nothing! They were going to love me, darn it! While talking with one of them after sitting most the night together with a box of Kleenex, she reminded me that being allowed into someone else’s pain is a honoring thing. The thing is I know this. I am a pastor! With this very friend I have sat on the other side of the couch refusing to leave in the face of her brokenness, instead being willing to love all the more.

I teach about how God, the Creator of the Universe, sees us with all of our faults, failures and brokenness and loves us regardless with a love so deep we can’t ever comprehend it. I believe it. I don’t doubt it and in my mind’s eye I see myself there, standing boldly before Him. Yet I curse the fact that there are still people I find myself suddenly feeling the need to impress; that I feel unworthy around. WHY??

As I sit back and think about it, these are people that I want to be able to be vulnerable with. It’s not just that I want them to think I am a good person but I want them to know me and I am not always a good person. I can play the part of a good person but in order to be vulnerable I need to not consider how I think I should be and rather just be willing to be. Man! Shouldn’t that be easier?! What a paradox – I am most likely to try to put on an act when I want to be known most honestly for who I am, which means I am not being vulnerable with the person I want to be vulnerable with. When we refuse to be vulnerable we cannot expect the other person to be and we can get nowhere! Being human is just so hard!

Stay tuned and I will let you into more of the thoughts percolating. Yes, that's right, I am going to be vulnerable in my working through of vulnerability. Is there any other way to fully understand it?? 

Wanna see a great talk on vulnerability? http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html